


Something Real

by chuuyaks



Category: Free!
Genre: Cheating, First Love, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, People Change People, Rejection, makoharu - Freeform, rinharu - Freeform, sourin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2018-12-13 03:58:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 34,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11751528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chuuyaks/pseuds/chuuyaks
Summary: "You've changed so much, Makoto.""I'm sorry, but my name is Mako."Five years ago, a happy, sweet and gentle boy named Makoto Tachibana became the captain of the Iwatobi Swimming Club.Now a bad and daring man stepped back on the outskirts of the town after his voyage from Tokyo.How will Haru feel about this?





	1. PROLOGUE

  'After all these years of being with me, you'll just tell me that you'll be going to Tokyo without me knowing anything about it?!' Haru's fist clenched as he felt the lump feeling rough when he spoke, almost leaving jagged lines on his throat. The river and the night that darkened the scenery of the bridge was silent, except for the two figures facing each other with bitterness on their hearts.  
   Bitterness? Was it really the true emotion in Makoto's heart? Haru cannot tell, for his forest green eyes were looking on the shimmering water. Silence it was, but he can feel the unspoken words that he wanted to hear. _Why? Why would he do all of these things to him? What have he done to leave him?_ These were all the things he demanded an answer, yet he stood in front of him speechless.  
   'I...' Haru's deep blue eyes widened in anticipation. He could see Makoto's lip twitch in nervousness as he waited. 'I am leaving Tokyo because...'  
   _Because?_  
   'Because I just want to distance myself to the pain I'm through.'  
    Haru froze. He stood there speechless before him, who was looking down with a regretful look on his face before giving a sigh. Even if he was stunned, he was confused at the same time. 'What...pain?'  
   To his surprise, Makoto gave him an unbelievable look. An unbelievable look he never saw him do. Not for once. His eyebrows suddenly furrowed and Haru can see the anger inside his pupils. What he said next shook Haru. 'This is what I don't like about you, Haruka. You are inconsiderate on how people around you feel! You are cold, you are careless and blind that you can't see me being in pain!'  
   For the first time in his life, Haruka Nanase never thought he would see such expression he believed Makoto Tachibana would never pull off.  
   'You know that I am always here to help you whenever you're in pain!' He replied, clenching his fists again in an agitated manner. Makoto gave a 'tch'.  
   'How can I tell you if you were the one causing me the pain?'  
   His crystalline blue eyes widened in shock. He was in loss for words when he added, 'I've always knew that you and Rin had something in between.'  
   His rageful eyes flickered into sadness. 'And guess what? I've always hoped that I had the chance.'  
   A bitter laugh went out from the green-eyed youth, making Haru realise that this wasn't just a bitter laugh. _It was a pain-induced laugh._ 'Everytime I see you two...everytime I see the way you both look at each other, I felt that pain tugging in my heart.'  
   'You could've just told me...' His words seemed to trail off, hoping it would change his mind, but it was no use. His bitter response resonated on his mind. 'Tell you? I kept in these inside of me because I don't want to ruin our friendship...'  
   Makoto gripped Haru's wrist, making the blue-eyed lad look at him while waiting. To his surprise, he suddenly loosened his hand. A sad look was seen across Makoto's face as he let go of his hand before walking away.  
   '...I don't want to lose someone who became a part of me.'


	2. Too Hung Up to You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqpk4QmJx-A  
>  _Liikaa Sussa Kii_ (Too Hung Up to You) by Mikael Gabriel ft. Isac Elliot
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKklshBSdtM  
>  _Black White_ (AB) by ZTAO

_if_ _the beginning of the moment caused you to mature, will you become different?_

* * *

  The feeling of the water spread into his veins as Haru dipped into the water of his bathtub made him comfortable while staring unconciously on that blank space. He had also gone to the point where he was too blank that he was unaware that of how would it result later on. He was just the same, after all.  
   Iwatobi also remained the same, but with the few renovations which made the whole town a bit advanced while keeping the same old fresh air. Haru was now working as a swimming coach and was still used to the feeling of loneliness even if he and Rin were living together.  
   For five years, Haruka and Rin were together. Rin was always not home for he was training in Tokyo after reaching his own goal of being an Olympic swimmer. He doesn't want to leave him alone, but the latter persisted that he is used to it, making him stay even more.  
   Even if Rin wasn't on his side, Haru would still feel the loneliness.  
   And he was comfortable with that.  
   For five long years, everything had changed. He and Rin were now living together as a couple, both pursuing their dreams; Nagisa and Rei are now married and even had a daughter named Reisa. Everyone he knew back then had a happy life.  
   Except for the one that's on the back of his mind.  
   Haru was now also used to the fact that the olive brown-haired boy will never call him once again.  
   'Haru?'  
   He blinked as he heard a deep voice calling him, making him stand up with the water. Footsteps were inching closer, and to Haru's surprise, a red-haired man wearing an Olympic jacket slid in with furrowed eyebrows. 'I'm...home?'  
   Arms were instantly wrapped around Rin, who suddenly smiled, causing his shark-like teeth to be seen. A happy look was in his face as he hugged back despite of the water from Haru's wet skin was seeped by the material of his jacket. They both looked into each other's eyes before their lips met in silence.  
   After four months of being away from him, Rin was happy even if Haruka welcomed him in silence.

* * *

    'How's your training back there?' Haru asked as he cooked food while Rin was sitting on the table, watching his bare back. He was cooking mackerel as usual, along with the usual look of topless aprons with swimsuit, letting his bare back be seen by him. 'It was a bit tiring, and...'  
   To his surprise, arms were wrapped around on his waist, and a soft, gentle kiss was placed on the sweet spot on his neck, causing him to moan a bit. A sensual yet seductive voice sent shivers to his spine as it went to his ears. 'And I missed you so much.'  
   He smiled on those thoughts but at the same time pushed Rin's face back, causing him to let go. Cheeks flustered, he said. 'I know you...missed me but please stay away. I don't want to be distracted...'  
   He turned to him, whose red eyes were wide open.'...and maybe later on we... we can do it.'  
   'Really?'  
   Haru smiled. 'I promise.'

* * *

    'Iwatobi hasn't changed, huh?' The faint steps of his shoes crunched the leaves that fell into the ground, making him almost wary of the place he used to grow to. Years had gone past, and Tokyo had grown inside him, almost making him forget the way he used to.  
   He had changed. Completely. His olive brown hair was now in green with blonde streaks, making him look like a carrot when he wears an orange top. His simple clothing has now suspended into dark hues and leather, creating a menacing aura on him. His cheerful voice gradually changed into a deep, dark and husky one while his soft smile was now replaced with a long line, almost losing the sweet smiling boy he used to be.  
   After leaving Iwatobi, he always thought he could start over but he always asks...  
   Which part of him never changed?  
   'Ma'am?' he asked the old woman walking down on the street where he had been walking through. He thought he could get a dip on the swimming club he used to be part with.  
   But the problem is, he doesn't even remember where the swimming pool was.  
   'Do you know where the swim club is?' He asked, trying to be polite to the old woman despite of his voice being deep. The woman looked into his eyes for a moment before her face brightened up. 'Makoto-san!'  
   His eyes widened in realisation, making him flash a smile. 'Leiko-san! How did you know it was me?'  
   She gave a giggle while placing a hand on his shoulder. 'Of course I know it's you! I was about to ignore you when you asked in a scary voice, but when I looked into your eyes, I immediately recognised you! It never changed at all.'  
   He stood there speechless. _His eyes never changed at all._ Maybe because his eyes became the mirror of his past.  
   The mirror of his pain.  
   Nevertheless, he smiled once again as he scratched his hair. 'Is that so? Ah, Leiko-san, could you tell me where the swimming club was located? It's been five years, and I forgot where it was.'  
'Oh really? You just need to go to the left then to right, and go straight.'  
'Thank you, Leiko-san,' he said as he bowed before walking away. 'I have to get going.'  
   'Ah, Makoto,' he turned around with the both of his eyebrows raised. The woman gave a warm smile with the words that made him stone cold. 'Haru-san now works there as a coach.'  
   Despite of the wound bleeding again freshly, he shrugged an 'I see' before speeding off. Instead of going to the direction where he should be heading, he went to the street where his family was, stopping on the stairs while looking at something he never knew he could see.  
   The tiny white cat he used to pet with everytime he goes here was sitting there and Makoto could not believe it had matured enough. The cat suddenly ran into him and he thought it was about to pounce him with sharp claws, but it instead jumped and went to rub its head on his legs. A sigh went out of his mouth. Even if he had changed so much, he was still wondering how people never fail to recognize him.  
   Or so he thought as he looked up to the open window where someone he used to be dear to his heart was.  
   And there his eyes widened as he saw a bare back on the window, along with the black hair flying around.  
   Makoto felt the same pain that tugged his heart when he left Iwatobi five years ago.  
   And it's even heartbreaking to see that back bouncing up and down, which made him realise one thing: they were having sex.  
   Makoto always knew that behind window pounding him hard was none other than Rin. He stood there, unable to move even if his head is begging him to leave. He felt like he was paralyzed, and all of his senses became numb as he saw him once again for the first time after he had forgotten everything.  
   But when his forest green eyes had suddenly meet the crystalline blue colour of his, a shock was sent throughout him.  
   He fretted, causing him to run away. He was not sure where his feet had taken him, but he was assured that this happened because he wanted to go away. To his surprise, he stopped on the place where he was itching to go for.  
   The swimming pool.  
   Agressively, he went inside and immediately stripped all of his clothes and grabbed his trunks. He ran and dived into the water, remembering the old feeling of the water where he used to have fun with. He did a few laps non-stop, causing him to gasp loud at his final lap.  
   His chest was going up and down and along with the cool droplets of water falling down from his skin, tears went down and sent heat all over Makoto as he realised one thing.  
   It was that maybe it wasn't that he barely forgotten everything, but it was that all the time when he came back, he just pretended that he had forgotten them.


	3. To Panic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VADoFPrAjo  
>  _Miten Eskimot Suutele?_ (How Do Eskimos Kiss?) by ROBIN ft. SANNI
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrdLPHFN9Xg  
>  _Hula Hula_ by ROBIN ft. Nelli Matula

_y_ o _u can get addicted to_   _a certain kind of sadness_  
_Like resignation to the end,_ _always the end_

* * *

    The creaking of the bed and the pleasure in his head made Haru melt as Rin went inside him. The sweat on their bodies was gradually mixing into each other, indulging into temptation as Rin continued to thrust underneath him.  
   Haru was breathless, trying to get a grip while sitting straight as he rode Rin; but it was no use. He can't control himself.  
   'Ah!' Various pitches of his moans went up to Rin's ears, causing him to thrust even more, making the slapping of their skin louder than it was before. Haru's eyes widened and his mouth gave a gasp.  
    Pleasure by pleasure, lust by lust, ecstacy by ecstacy, he was pounded inside by him, causing his eyes to fall out tears, but when he felt someone's presence, he quickly glanced outside.  
    All because the presence felt so familiar to him. It was like that somebody was from his past.  
    In between breathless moans, his flaming blue eyes caught the mysterious forest green eyes dart its look on him. A mysterious man with green hair clad in black was outside, with widened eyes.  
   Haru was uncertain, why does he felt like that man was so familiar to him?  
    He was sure that he wasn't him.  
    To his surprise, the man quickly sped off, and before he could move out, a loud moan went out of him as Rin and him had released.  
    He even actually forgot what he was doing and that he was with Rin.  
    'Let me clean you,' The tired expression on his lover's face made Rin feel a bit accompanied despite the days they were separated for four months. Grabbing the tissue box, he went to stand but Haru's hand caught his and pulled him down, causing him to be closer to him. A smirk appeared on his face. 'Hey, hey, what is this?'  
    To his surprise, Haru wrapped his hands around him and rested his head. It was just silence but Rin could feel that he made him happy. A happy, cheeky smile appeared as he hugged him back and did not hesistate to kiss his forehead.  
    'I...love you.' Rin's eyes widened. It wasn't usual for the blue-eyed boy to say like this especially after something like this. Giggling, he looked down on him; eye to eye, and before Haru would realise, his lips were sealed to   
    'I love you...even more.'

* * *

      _You two should come to our anniversary party!_  
    'I get that you were bugging me about this, but,' Rin's eyes trailed on the sleeping Haru snoring on the bed, and he chuckled, probably thinking how cute he is. 'It's actually the princess' decision.'  
     _Aw, meanie!_ Rin could feel Nagisa pouting despite of talking on the phone. He was still awake by the time when they called, and before he could realise it, Haru was sleeping peacefully in his arms.  _Anyway, Rin... is he there?_  
   'Yeah, he is. He's actually sleeping.'  
    _What? Could it be ...you did it?!_ Rin sighed before laughing. 'Yeah, we did it.'  
_Oh, I see, I see. Hey, honey, could you play with Reisa? Anyway, Rin, I am hoping you'll both come. I mean, it's been so long since we've all gathered so I've decided to call all of us._  
   'Yeah, we know. Aren't you still in Iwatobi? So yeah, where will this 'anniversary party' happen?'  
    _At the club._ Rin's eyes widened in surprise. 'A club?'  
_Yeah,_ He heard Nagisa chuckle.  _It's been a long time since we've been on a club. Plus, we haven't been doing things you both do because of our little angel._  
   'Aw, so how is my little Reisa doing?'  
_She's too adorable. Actually, on the anniversary, she'll be staying at my parents'-in-law for the night._  
   'I think Rei's parents will be delighted to see their granddaughter.' Rin sat down on the bed, looking on Haru's sleeping face while playing his hair. It was soft and silky and he doesn't even know how he'd taken care of it. 'What do you mean with 'all of us'? I mean it'-'  
    _No, I do really mean it! I actually called everyone back over. Even your little sister Gou was so excited she practically screamed on my ear._ Rin couldn't help but chuckle at his little sister's silliness. 'Even...?'  
   And suddenly, Nagisa's voice went serious. 'Yes, even  _Makoto_.'  
'How?' He asked, eyebrows furrowed. A dark feeling from his stomach was felt suddenly, almost poisoning his thoughts.  _I didn't actually called Makoto. I called Ren about it and he said that Makoto had come back. He'll actually tell him about it._  
   For a moment, the phone fell in a soft thud on the floor, and various 'hellos' from Nagisa were heard from it, yet Rin was sitting blankly, as if he never heard of anything. Anxiety was starting to build up on his veins, and nervousness started to kick up in his brain, and he was sure if he could only see Makoto one more time, he'd be able to hide him from Haru.  
   But he was sure mistaken.


	4. Somebody That I Used to Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIjsfsmPlwo  
>  _Pojat_ (Boys) by SANNI
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfs8NYg7yQM  
>  _Attention_ by Charlie Puth
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY  
>  _Somebody That I Used to Know_ by Gotye ft. Kimbra

_you should not lose sleep_ _over someone who was like_  
_a nightmare to you unless if_ _you were the reason why_

* * *

  _You just want attention_  
_You don't want my heart_  
_Maybe you just hate the thought of_  
_me with someone new_  
_Yeah, you just want attention_  
_I knew from the start_  
_You're just making sure I'm never_  
_gettin' over you, oh_

  The glowing lights in the club were bright, and it somehow made made Haru obnoxious, squinting as he walked with Rin, hands held and intertwined together. The heavy beat of the bass and the booming lyrics were banging against his ears, which were trying to adapt into this kind of environment. It wasn't that it was hard for him, it was just that everytime he goes to the club, it was  _too much._ They were invited to Nagisa and Rei's third anniversary, and Rin can feel the nervousness from the tip of his hand, making him chuckle. 'Nervous, Haru?'  
   Haru said nothing.  
   And Rin thought he was okay.

* * *

    'Cheers for our third anniversary of us being married!' shouted Nagisa along with his hand raising the vodka filled glass goblet. His husband Rei sighed as he facepalmed, thinking how much of an idiot his husband is thinking that it will be a good idea. Happy faces and cheerful smiles with yells unheard of the music went in, and Haru could feel the heat coming inside him as alcohol slid down on his throat.  
   It was warm. The heat that were diffused from people's bodies as they frolicked on the dance floor, the endless vibrations of the sound boxes and contrasting colors of the neon lights made him warm and dizzy at the same time. He felt like this crazy atmosphere was felt long after his teenage years.  
   And his guts do think it will come back.  
   Everyone was chatting carefree, mouths reconciled on the long time they've never seen each other. Everyone had changed, and they had pointed it all out, either receiving snickers and devious laughs. The atmosphere was still the same when Nagisa pointed out what's lacking.  
   There was just someone lacking.  
   'I do think we are lacking  _someone,_ ' He commented, causing everyone to look at him with confused looks. In everyone's minds, the question  _who_ popped up, but everyone shook those all away, trying to enjoy the occasion because they already knew that it will take longer to see each other again. Nagisa tried to think hard if there was someone he invited that never showed up, but nothing came up.  
   But he always knew there was.

* * *

    His fingers brushed into the cold droplets that condensed in the glass. Tequila was starting to heat up in his body and the neon lights were intensifying it. Sitting on the bar, his ears was evenly immersed to the soft, vicious, pop electric music, and he was still having doubts.  
   He was still doubting himself wether to turn himself in.  
   For after all these years he'd try to change, it would be hard for him to just show up there with a face anyone can hardly recognize, and to sit happily in front of him, who was probably happy now together with his lover.  
   But even if it was a stupid idea, Makoto stood up and walked toward the club that was just one door away from the bar. The soft pop sounds suddenly changed into crazy, booming frenzies along with the vibrating beats as soon as he stepped foot. Everyone was dancing in a frenzy beat, but even if his calm endeavors showed on the surface, his heart was beating crazily in nervousness.  
   His eyes trailed, scanning the whole place to see if they were here. The more he'd search, the more the nervousness turn into fear. He could feel his lips tremble, but it suddenly twitched while his forest green eyes widened.  
   There they were.  
   Sitting on the farthest corner, he saw smiles and familiar faces, but he did not see the person he's been eager to see.  
   Even if he denied himself of it, Makoto was eager to see Haruka.  
   Going near, he felt eyes trailing from his feet to his face. It was usual for him to feel like this, but the weariness was making him stumble like an anxious person. He then looked up to the people in front of him; there were widened eyes, opened mouths and shocked expressions, but only a faint little shout came from the blond-haired boy.  
   'Makoto-chan!'

* * *

    'Have you seen that guy who was walking a while ago?'  
   'Yeah, he was like the typical bad boy I see on movies!'  
   'Do you know his name?'  
   'Nope, but it's actually the first time I saw him, and then, and then!'  
   'Oh my god, we have the same feeling!'  
   Haru can't help but roll his eyes as he heard two women walking past him as he went out of the comfort room. Rin was nowhere to be seen, and he left him alone as he said he 'will be meeting someone'. He was fine being left alone, but somehow he was not fine as he felt like something might've happen.  
   But that something didn't mean it was about Rin.  
   He was just about to back to Nagisa when a familiar voice called him.  
   'Haru!'  
   He doesn't know why it felt so familiar, but at the same time it felt so different. How come a deep, dark voice that was far from Rin's called him?  
   Thinking it was just someone mistakening him, he ignored it and continued walking, but to his surprise, a hand grabbed his wrist. 'Haruka!'  
   His bright blue eyes widened as he turned his head, only to see a green-haired man in front of him. Haru was confused. The man had green hair, was clad in black, and felt like he knew him.  
   But why does he felt like he'd seen his eyes before?  
   Speechless, he stood agape in front of the unknown man. His lips were twitching, trying to get a grip of himself as he tried to guess who he was. But to his surprise, fear started posioning his mind. 'Who...are you?'  
   The brightened face of the man suddenly went down. But to Haru's surprise, the grip on his wrist became tighter as he pulled him close to his chest. He could smell the leather and feel the drastic beating on his chest, making him gasp quietly.  
   And slowly, the unknown stranger hugged him tight, with his lips touching Haru's ear, he gently spoke those little words before pulling away and had lost in the darkness of the crowd.  
   'I was just somebody that you used to know.'

* * *

    Rin was breathless.  
   His arms danced into his bare, muscular back as their lips collided. Pressing his own body on the wall, he was filled with ecstacy. Their lips were in sync, and in breathless moans, he was able to lost himself as if he was reconciled into something he once lost. His hands played on his soft, black hair while the latter touched the nape of his neck delicately.  
   Rin would only think of nothing as he was melting.  
   But the only thing was, the lips he'd played on sweetly wasn't his silent little Haruka.


	5. Somebody Else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bimd2nZirT4  
>  _Somebody Else_ by the 1975
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LPjJ1p4dYs  
>  _RUMOUR_ by K.A.R.D.

_i always knew that even when i am_ _sleeping beside you in bed,  
there was someone in your mind, but the only _ _thing was that somebody wasn't me_

* * *

   'Aniki!'  
   Makoto's eyes darted on the figures in front of him. Happy grins were on their faces as they squealed seeing their big brother after a few years. But it was such surprise for the whole Tachibana family to see that their happy and sweet Makoto had gone like perfume whiffed by the wind.  
   The man standing in front of them was someone unrecognizable--black leather, woody perfume, dangerous eyes, and a dark, menacing aura.  
   But everyone's fear had vanished as soon as he smiled. The same sweet smile he'd been displaying for all those years when he was still in Iwatobi.  
   Maybe the Makoto Tachibana has never changed. Even just a bit.

* * *

  Rin was asleep.  
  But there he smelled like someone else.  
  It was all Haru could think of as they laid on their shared bed, bodies touching each other and hands intertwined. Tired from carrying the drunk Rin from the club, he wondered how come this guy fell asleep so easily after drinking if he cannot easily be drunk. But a delusion made him think otherwise.  
   _Could it be another pair of arms and hands had gone around him_?  
   _Could it be that there was someone whom he played his lips with?_  
Haru's heart was beating frantically.  
   With a heavy sigh, he sat back on the headboard of their bed, eyes trailing to the sleeping shark boy as he was in his peaceful slumber. But those eyes trailed into an another path as Haru raised his hand up, looking at his wrist curiously. It left the memory of the hand that grabbed it, and gripped tight of it. He felt the trembling on his fingers and the heavy beating of his heart as he was pulled close to him.  
   Haru never really cared of these kinds of things, but he ever did wondered why.  
   Why would he feel like the guy was Makoto?  
    _'How can I tell you if you're the one causing the pain?'_ His eyes immediately widened as the image of Makoto flashed into his mind. He can see the emotions mixed into a person's face; fear, anger, pain, anxiety and a broken heart. Was having a broken heart an emotion? Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. It was all a paradox for Haru as he tried to differeniate pain and a broken heart.  
   Pain might be the uncomfortable feeling of being hurt, but having a broken heart is something that blackens a person's mind.  
   His fingers lingered and played with Rin's silky strands when the doorbell rang, causing him to stand and run to the door.  
   To his surprise, a tall man with a big built stood in front of him. He had pitch black hair and turquoise eyes, and was clad in an Olympic jacket. A glare was in his face, making Haru stood speechless in front of him.  
   'Sousuke?'

* * *

   His turquoise eyes were still barging into Haru's deep, ocean blue ones, as if he was trying to find something. Sitting on the living room, the tension between them kept intensifying as silence grew bigger than it was before. Both of them were speechless, unaware of what's inside of their minds. But Sousuke thought on the other hand. 'Where is Rin?'  
   'He is asleep,' He replied, looking at him while Sousuke changed the direction of his eyes into skimming his surrounding. 'Sousuke, do you want tea?'  
   'Yeah, that's great.' Immediately, Haru stood up and went into the kitchen. While heating the water, he could not bear it but to ask; 'What made you come over here?'  
   'I was wondering if I could visit the both of you,' he answered, looking at the pictures on above the closet while Haru opened up the lid where the tea was. 'It's been five years and I haven't even saw you in the party.'  
   'We actually went there.' He answered back, stirring the tea before holding it. He was about lose grip of the tea when Sousuke said; 'Have you seen Makoto, then?'  
   His eyes widened for a moment. He then hide this shock as he placed down the cup with the same blank expression on his face, making Sousuke click his tongue. 'You mean you haven't seen him?'  
   He shook his head while Sousuke scratched the nape of his neck. 'Man, I thought you saw him. Right after you went to the comfort room, he suddenly appeared, so I was wondering if you crossed each other's paths.'  
   Haru sat in silence, watching his black-haired guest sipped the tea from the corner of his mouth. But the beating of his heart was crazy, it felt he was going to have an attack. The way his shoulders  had touched the table, Haru never thought that he could feel like Sousuke was hiding something.  
   But he never thought that the only person he felt that had a dangerous connection with Sousuke was his lover Rin.  
   Sousuke sipped his tea in silence, and yet he could feel the prickly stare of the man in front of him, almost making him chuckle and spit from his drink. Shivers went down to his spine as he tried to think of othet things, which made Haru's mind frantic. To the latter's surprise, Sousuke stood up and went to the door.  
   Thinking it was such a rude thing to do (and Haru has that mindset of a housewife), he hurried, almost making loud thuds on the wooden floor. By instinct, he grabbed his arm, making the man turn back with one eyebrow raised. 'Is tea all you came for? Or is it Rin?'  
   To his surprise, a smirk appeared in his face as he answered, 'Oh, how disgraceful of me to leave immediately. Well, my true intention of coming here is to see Rin but,'  
   Haru's eyes widened as Sousuke grabbed him the collar of his shirt, and gave a devilish look on his face as he added, 'What I really want to do is to warn you; Haru, it is not only you who is pampered by the sweet taste of Rin's kiss.'  
   And slowly, Sousuke walked, leaving Haru with widened eyes and trembling lips.

* * *

   'So my little Makoto isn't little as we used to know, huh?'  
   Makoto was about to jerk and lose hold of his cigarette as soon as his father appeared as he was standing outside. Faint smoke went out from his mouth as he stared at the star-filled sky. A small chuckle went out from his mouth, while his father leaned his back on the wall beside him. 'I guess he grew up and matured too much, and now he is the usual man that's smoking and drinking late at night.'   
   'You just smoked here because you don't want Ren and Ran to see you like this, huh?' His father looked up to the same direction to where he was looking, and felt that all this sudden change of his son was just a cover-up to his usual self. 'Like always, Makoto, you had never changed a bit.'  
   'I didn't?' He glanced to see his son with the same pouting look in his face, and then patted his head suddenly. 'Look at you, you little bean!'  
   'Father, I am already 23,' Makoto tried to cough off the smoke that suddenly choked him. 'Do I still look like a bean to you?'   
   'You still are, Makoto,' He then turn back to the night sky, looking at the black-blue colour that was complimented by the shining stars and the glowing moon. 'No matter how'd you've changed, you're still the same everytime you're in closed doors.'  
   Makoto spoke nothing as he continued puffing his cigarette, but he suddenly dropped it when his father then added the question that he never knew he would ask.  
   'Why don't you meet Haru then?'


	6. The Death of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Let's be clear now, shark boy, but don't you think that you've enjoyed it the last time we met?'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZAIEAG6Vgk  
>  _Collar Full_ by Panic At The Disco
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLBjjXPc9CY  
>  _Stop Girl_ by U-KISS

_if you're gonna be the death of me, that's how i just wanna go_

* * *

    ' _Haru, it_ _is not only you who is pampered by the sweet taste of Rin's kiss.'_  
Sousuke's voice resounded in Haru's mind the whole time as he stood on the locker room. Those words became a melody repeating on his head, but the ironic thing is that the melody had a sucidial doom, and that's what he feared. Standing blankly, he soon realised that he had students to teach for the squeals and the childish voices were heard outside. Sighing, he changed immediately into his swimsuit and headed out.  
   As Haru would bitterly admit, he was not focused in his work the whole day. He would space out or either stare at the water blankly, almost neglecting the children on the water. Haru thought that he could clear his mind with work, but it somehow mistaken, for the more he tried to forget his words, the more they kept coming back.  
   Another sigh came out of his mouth as he changed back to his clothes, wary of the tiredness and the water-induced sweat on his skin. He was about to close his locker when the familiar voice called him out of nowhere.  
   'Haruka Nanase?'  
   He turned around, and to his surprise, he saw him.

* * *

   His body trembled as he met his eyes.  
   And he hated seeing his face again.  
   Standing on the door, a smirk went up on Sousuke's face while Rin looked up to him with a shocked expression. That expression turned into a hateful one as he tried to slam the door, but a foot prevented him. 'I just wanted to see you, Rin.'  
   'Now that you've seen me, Sousuke, please leave!' He shouted in a hard tone, but it was no use in changing Sousuke's mind. To his surprise, the man went closer to him, making their noses touch. 'Let's be clear now, shark boy, but don't you think that you've enjoyed it the last time we met?'  
   Rin's pupils shook in fear as he only knew one thing: this was becoming dangerous.  
   'Why can't you leave?' He pleaded, almost hoping that the latter could change his mind. But it was nothing, and the more he stared on his face, the more he remembered the night where everything happened.  
   The night that became his nightmare.  
   His strength was no match to Sousuke as he suddenly opened the door, pushing Rin on the wooden wall.  
   Rin now can remember everything; the frenzy lights, the deafening music, the humidity spinning in the air just by his soft touch. But when he grabbed his wrist and let his fingers touch his pale lips, he suddenly remembered the kiss.  
   It wasn't that he didn't like it nor feel disgusted.  
   It was just that it was never the same as he did with Haru.  
   His eyebrow twitched while his whole body trembled even more. He felt so powerless and weak in front of him, and it was the first time he felt fear in front him grow so strong. Seeing the wide-eyed figure in front of him, Sousuke could not hold it back but to devour him.  
   He cupped his face with a grip so strong yet so gentle while their mouths collided, touching the softness of their skins as their mouths danced in frenzy. The once wide-eyed Rin fell into the trap as his eyelids closed, making him indulge into their kiss.  
   'Nobody ever made me feel this way.' Sousuke's voice trailed as he parted from him, but then ravaged his neck. Sucking on his favorite spot of his neck, he liked the sweet tasted that flavoured his mouth. The feeling of ecstacy caught into Rin, causing him to let out a moan no one ever heard. They both continued but everything stopped when a voice called out.  
   'Rin...Sousuke?'

* * *

   'Haruka Nanase?'  
   Haru's ocean blue irises trembled on the sight of the familiar face. Clad in black cotton jacket and a pair of ripped jeans in faded blue, the stranger stood up with a questioning look in his face, and Haru noticed that both of his hands were inside his pockets. Something sparked into him as he soon realised: this man was the one who called him out in the club. Still trying to be professional, he continued to dress himself before asking him politely: 'Yes, I am Nanase Haruka, sir. Do you need something? Or do you want to sign your child up for my classes?'  
   To his surprise, the man giggled as he scratched his nape. 'I don't have a child but.. would I sign up on your classes? It's been years since I swam.'  
   Haruka stood agape. 'Are you...?'  
   'Do you find it awkward?' The stranger asked, still fumbling and fidgeting. 'I mean, I do think I'm the only adult in your class, am i right?'  
   He nodded. Suddenly the stranger took hold of his hands and pleaded: 'Please, please, sensei. Teach me how to swim again.'  
   Haru was not able to speak.

* * *

   The seagulls were dead silent as Haru passed by the shore. The way the surface sparkled did the same on his ocean blue eyes and the shock sent all over his body as soon as he met him again hasn't fade, but the amazement seemed to get him. But the only thing was...  
   He didn't even asked for his name.  
   It wasn't  _really_ that he didn't or forgot, but the man immediately disappeared from his sight, almost for the time he'd utter the word 'what'. His steps had became slower, but the time and the sun setting got faster. He wasn't the person who'd pry into people's lives like a paparazzi; but couldn't help it.  
   That person was too mysterious. And he...he was too curious.  
    _Who was Makoto?_ His mind suddenly asked, making him glare at himself in disbelief as the topic from the mysterious guy had pirouetted into Makoto.  But the residue of Makoto's memories somehow never left him, so  _who really was Makoto?  
_ _Was he the orca whom you've judged for something dangerous?  
   Was he the little boy you'd stand up on everything that tried to hurt him?  
_ _Was he the olive brown-haired guy everyone teases you about?  
_ _Or...was he the guy who'd given himself to you even if you'd never return those feelings back?  
_ _Maybe he was the guy who'd come back to ruin your life because you had ruin his?_  
   Haru's eyes flickered, causing him to run home faster than he thought. The orange sky had now turn into a bluish hue, and the once brightly lit surrounding had turn into a faint one. His breath hitched as he stopped by, but his eyes widened and trembled as he saw something he never saw coming.  
    'Rin...Sousuke?'


	7. Fool Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4BB9eGUEaE  
>  _Fool Again_ by Westlife
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MnENhHJAuVU  
>  _Parang Tayo Pero Hindi_ (We Seem To Be But Not) by Angeline Quinto ft. Michael Pangilinan

_i should've seen it coming, i should've read the signs_ _but I guess it's over_

* * *

   'Rin...Sousuke?'  
   Shivers went into his spine while fear started stimulating to his brain. It was something Haru never thought would happen to him; and it was much worse, even worse: he couldn't believe that all he thought were true, and there were no lies in between. In front of him lies two figures with widened eyes completely shocked, and the trail of saliva became the evidence on how their lips connected. As much as his heart was starting to tear, he ran with all of strength to get away.  
   'Haru!' shouted Rin, almost trying to chase him, but he was stopped by Sousuke. 'Why would you chase him if you knew that in the first place, you never fell in love with him?!'  
   With the tears in his eyes flying with the wind, the pain inside Haru was suffocating him, making him almost wonder how come he was still able to breathe despite him running and having a broken heart at the same time. It kept replaying back in his mind: the kiss that was so intense, and filled with passion, and Haru saw Rin in a way he had never seen before.  
   He felt betrayed. He thought that he was loved by him in the first place. His feet suddenly stopped and he sighed, regretting one single thing.  
   He regretted losing him. If he were here, he would be the one comforting him.  
  Betrayal. Treason. A traitor in disguise as a lover. Haru felt disgusted, as he reassured himself that this is what he had dreamt, and he had now reached it. But in the end, it was just nothing but a dream; and everything happening to him right now is the reality.  
   He had never thought that the person who gave life to his colorless life would be the death of him. It was all a delusion, an imagination that his mind had creatively created, and he felt like he was choking in his own spit. He had finally regretted everything he had done. He was a fool. A dumbass. An asshole.  _The_ _literal asshole of Rin._ An actual shit. If only he didn't existed...  
   If only he had seen this coming...  
   Man, he was still in love with him and it pains him.

* * *

    Darkness fell and Makoto was in his usual habit: clubs. His parents already knew about this, and they were okay about it since they had no other choice and he was just the same little bean to them after all. After seeing his face again for so long, Makoto felt he was refreshed and he just wanted to complete one thing before leaving Iwatobi again and to start over his life without his past clinging into him. He felt like it was only Haru he needs to say goodbye.  
   But how will he do it?  
   He doesn't even know.

   Eyes were around, male and female alike, and trailed on his back as Makoto walked. If that time when he was a clumsy giant he would be embarrassed if people's eyes were all into him, now he was confident, striding along like a model on a certain high fashion magazine. A smirk went up into his mouth as he noticed a group of girls looking at him, making him turn to them with a wink and causing them to scream louder than the speakers.  
   If only he had the audacity to, Makoto would've had a girlfriend right now. She would be slim, a bit tall, calm and quiet, and  _with ocean-blue eyes and straight, shiny black hair._ Makoto choked.  
    _After all, Makoto's standards would always be Haru._  
   Upon remembering his name, Makoto sighed. He then sat on one of the stools on the bar and lightened a cigarette as he looked at the people dancing with the eye-soaring lights (Makoto always hated how the lights in the club would always be neon). Upon seeing the bartender, he spoke, 'Johnny Walker.'  
   As the smoke from his mouth had faded, he saw a figure not far from him, and he had a second thought, doubting if it was him whom he saw. He tried not to go near to it, but seeing the familiar black hair resting on the counter, he could not help but to sit near to it.  
   The man was wearing a hoodie, and in front him was a glass with half-filled whiskey. The man was looking down, and Makoto could not restrain his curiousity so he tried to hold his head up.  
   To his surprise, he saw a face he'd never expect to show up in a place like this.  
   'Haru?'  
   Haruka's face was warm and overflowing with tears, causing Makoto to gasp silently. A thump startled him suddenly, causing him to look back to the counter and see the glass he'd ordered. 'Are you that guy's friend, sir?'  
   Makoto shook his head to the bartender. 'No, just an aquaintance.'  
   'I see. But that guy just straightly gobbled up four glasses nonstop and I could see that he isn't good at drinking. But I can't stop him since he was mumbling a name and kept crying.'  
   'Really? Well, thank y--'  
   'Rin... Why did you fucking leave me?' Makoto glanced back and saw Haru looking at him with such anger in his face. If Haru was like this...  
   Then what did Rin do to make him turn into a crying mess?  
   'Oh, it's you, Makoto!' He said in a slurred tone, as he tried to hug, but ended up slipping away, causing Makoto to catch and hold him tight. To his surprise, Haru stood up and grabbed him by the wrist, making him stand and follow him. 'Where are we going?'  
   'You have a vehicle right?'  
   'I do. Why?'  
   'Because I wanted to go to the sea.'  
   And by that, Makoto had everything in him stop. He was unaware of everything. Haru's hand was gripping his wrist; the lights became spinning bokeh, the people dancing became moving distortions, and the music became bass.

* * *

    The fresh yet salty feeling of the wind made Haru's eyes flutter. It was just late at night, and he had chosen to go into the club and drink himself up until someone gets him. And he was too sure that it will be a 0% chance that cheater Rin Matsuoka would be fetching him.  
   But now he's stuck with this familiar stranger with green hair.  
   Makoto stood behind him with complete amazement as he wondered how come this guy was able to stand despite his actions were too sluggish and he was very tipsy. He sat by the sand while Haru stood up and watched the sea in silence before running into the shore by instinct.  
   His forest green eyes immediately widened as he soon realised it: he was trying to kill himself. Running like a complete idiot, he chased him, and dived. Haru was floating the water while his breath was trailing into smaller bits. Makoto became frantic as he grabbed him by his hand. But Haru was too stubborn and tried wriggling his hand, but it was no use.  
   Makoto tried all of his strength to come up to the surface and laid him down. Haru coughed water, but his eyes became blurry and a familiar face was in front of him. To Makoto's surprise, Haru had stroked him by the face.  
   It was gentle. It was soft despite they went out of the salty water and there were sand in their hands. And it had calmed Makoto. The way their eyes made met melted his heart a little bit, but it started to harden up as soon as Haru asked, 'You've changed so much, Makoto.'  
   A bitter smile crept up on his face. 'I'm sorry but my name is Mako.'  
   'Oh really?' He giggled as he stood up. Makoto suddenly had remembered, Haru was just drunk, and would probably never knew that he was talking to  _him._ The past him.  
   Eyes fixed to the sea, the two sat in silence until Haru spoke once again in a slurred tone; 'It's my first time drinking this much, Mako-chan.'  
   'Really, Haru?'  
   'Yeah,' He turned into him and chuckled. 'I'm glad that you didn't dislike me calling you with a -chan. I had this friend once who would call me with -chan all over and over again to the point it annoyed me. Well, it's not really a lie that I was annoyed. I feel happy that he depended on me even if he's like a giant than me.'  
   Makoto's eyes widened. 'Is...is he the reason why you're crying right now?'  
   'No, he isn't,' He sniffed as he tried drying his tears with the back of his hands. 'But my boyfriend was. He cheated on me with his bestfriend.'  
   His hands clenched into fists as anger went into his body. But he cannot express it all out, especially that Haru was in his emotional breakdown.  
   'And also, I regretted one thing in life.' Haru spoke in a way Makoto felt it was something new. 'I regretted hurting him.'  
   Bitter tears streamed down on his face, but to his surprise, Makoto pulled him closer to his chest. He can hear his heart beating loudly, making him look at him with widened, curious eyes. Makoto gave a soft smile as their lips had met for the first time.  
   'Forget everything, Haru, for I am here to turn back the things that you've regretted in your life.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao wrote this in one go. anyway there will be something special in the next chapter so ye.


	8. Quit Playing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0pJ-mBHiV0  
>  _Quit Playing/ Don't Flirt_ by U-KISS
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OwfYjemrYw  
>  _More Than That_ by the Backstreet Boys
> 
> I'm sorry if my smut is terrible.

_stop messing with my mind, baby_

* * *

   Haru's hands gripped the sheets tightly as his lips touched his bare abdomen softly.  
   The feeling was ticklish, but it somehow sent shivers on his spine. But it became even more pleasurable as soon as he felt the hot, warming feeling on Makoto's tongue on his skin. The continuous kisses had soon turn into sloppy licks as it had move to one of his nipples. Haru's back arched in pleasure as Makoto started sucking it, causing him to whimper and moan loud. His nipples became erect at the same time the bulge in his pants grew bigger.  
   Circling his tongue on Haru's nipple, Makoto would never thought he could taste the sweetness on his skin.  
   His skin was feather-like soft, and Makoto could not resist to touch it. And he could feel the heat intensifying beneath the clothes he wore.  
   Makoto continued circling and sucking his nipple repeatedly while his free hand had gently played and molested the other one, but to Haru's surprise, he suddenly moved to the other one, with his tongue trailing saliva on his chest.  
   No matter how Haru would deny it in his drunk delusion, he had never find teasing more pleasurable than this.  
   And what's amazing is that this was nothing compared to Rin's.  
   Haru could feel the wetness spreading. He was suddenly startled when the sensation from his chest had stopped, but to his surprise, a hand suddenly groped his standing crotch. He glanced to Makoto, who was smirking at him evily. The look inside his forest green eyes were surely filled with lust and desire, and Haru could not help but to groan as the hand grabbing his fully clothed crotch rubbed it intensely. A pair of lips with a lick had touched his ear and caused him to twitch whispered into his ear: 'You're already wet from just this? I guess you really do want it, Haru.'  
   Hands were already wrapping around and was slowly undressing his clothes that was full of sweat along with the kisses trailing down to his body.  
   Another ticklish feeling was grazed on his skin as he felt Makoto's breath on his erection. The way Makoto had kissed it had been giving him pleasure and the moment he licked it made Haru respond with a whimper. 'Ah!'  
   The way his tongue circled on his head made him curl his toes in ecstacy. Endless moans were heard and they were loud as Makoto started to enter it on his mouth, thrusting it up and down in such fast manner, thus building up the testosterone inside him.  
   'I'm...c...' In a slur manner he spoke, but Makoto's speed had gone up, and suddenly his eyes widened as the warm liquid had started shooting in his mouth. As soon as he detached his dick from his mouth, Haru looked down and saw Makoto smirking at him with the faint but glistening clear color of cum leaking from his mouth. Makoto suddenly licked two of his fingers before, to Haru's suprise, had gone up in his ass.  
   It was slow and Haru liked it. He never knew despite the ruthless surface this stranger had been keeping as an image, a gentler side was underneath... just like him.  
    _Oh, for fuck's sake, Haru-chan, why are you thinking about that boy when you were having a one night stand?_  
   Haru's grip on the sheets became even tighter as Makoto's fingers had started to pump inside him. It was slow, but the seductive whispers and gentle kisses made him moan louder than he used to, and he cannot control himself even more as the speed was getting faster and he had found the spot that could be his weakness.  
   And before Makoto would realise, Haru's limp dick had suddenly risen and he was coming from behind. Smiling, he trailed his kisses from the lower abdomen before reaching Haru's lips to ravage it. Upon parting their lips, Makoto's heartbeat has gone up even faster as soon as he saw Haru's erotic face.  
   He could not take it anymore.  
   Positioning himself, he was scared. He had done this countless times; with men and women; but this was the first time he would go raw, and the first time he felt so happy holding someone he's be longing to hold to ever since he fell in love with him. He thrusted it in and all he could hear is the lovely moan that came straight out from Haru.  
   'Did it hurt?' He asked, gently stroking Haru's cheek, who was already breathless. The latter shook his head before he started moving.  
    _Again, his pace was slow._ Haru thought as his inside were filled with Makoto's dick.  _Yet why did I feel such pleasure just by this?_  
His grip on the sheets were even tighter than it was before, and it felt like it was going to rip, and his toes were going to break as soon as Makoto started to pick up the pace. The bed was creaking and the whole room was filled with nothing but the noises of pleasure; breathless moans, panting breaths, and even secrets that only stayed and will forever will be forgotten like a whiff of perfume.  
   As he was getting faster ans he felt like he was pounded by him, Haru found himself wrapping his limbs helplessly around Makoto's body. The moans were even louder and he felt like he was about to die in ecstacy, but Makoto's eyes widened as he heard words from Haru's mouth he'd never thought he'd say.  
   'Makoto... Makoto...Ma!' His words were losing breath and he shouted as Makoto went on the most fastest pace as his climax was about to fall. Their mouths collided before both of their bodies had trembled as they released.  
   Pulling out himself from him, Makoto took a loving stare on the sleeping Haru before kissing his disheveled hair and hugged him from behind.  
   'I tried forgetting you and everything about you, but I can't. Right from the start, Haru-chan, I have loved you.'  
   Makoto could feel his heart break in bitterness.

* * *

    _"Why would you chase him if in the first place, you never loved him?!"_  
Rin hates Sousuke so much.  
   Not because he was insecure or that brat had done something to him, but it was just that he was in love with him.  
   He was, and will always be helpless in his arms.  
   Sitting on the corner of the huge bed, Rin was silently staring at the pictures lined up on the wall; pictures of the memories he and Haru had put up ever since they've been together. Water started to fill up on his eyelids and he was too tired to dry them up.  
    _Man, he fucked up._

Rin hates Sousuke.  
   Because no matter how much he'd try to forget him, he would still appear in his dreams like a motherfucker he'd always used to be.  
    _Man, he fucked up his relationship with Haru._  
   Truth to be told, Haruka was nothing but a responsibility to Rin. It was just a month after Makoto had suddenly vanished, Haru suddenly blurted out his feelings for him. Rin would never thought that his actions would cause him to feel like  _that_ , because the only person was getting him butterflies with just by his existence was nothing but the chunky whale shark with teal eyes.  
   Not wanting to hurt Haru's feelings, Rin had accepted without thought and without feeling.

   Rin fucking hates Sousuke.  
   Not because he loves him, but because the latter also loved him back.  
   Rin had always wanted to forget Sousuke and his feelings. For almost a year, Rin was having a nice and healthy sexual relationship with Haru despite that Haru was nothing but a rebound to him. But when he became part of the Olympic team, he never thought he would seen him there.  
   A big, bulky build and a slender waist, with pitch-black hair and fine-ass neck; he immediately knew it was him. He tried to avoid him for many times, but when he was cornered, he never thought his knees would go weak and his head would melt with just a certain question: ' _Do you know that I like you, Rin?'_  
   Ever since that day, their secret relationship had began.  
   Rin wanted to stop it, but his body won't do so. He was like a prized object of Sousuke.  
   Rin's lips twitched as soon as his phone vibrated.

    **SOUSUKE**  
**Do you want me to accompany**  
**you there tonight?**

**RIN**  
**No, please. After all you've done,**  
**you wanted to come back?**

**SOUSUKE**  
**I just thought that you'd feel lonely.**

Rin gritted his teeth in pain as slow, vicious tears flowed on his cheeks.

    **RIN**  
**Please don't contact me for a while.**

**SOUSUKE**  
**I will, but always remember this, Rin.**

**SOUSUKE**  
**You should've broke up with him.**  
**What's the use of having relationship**  
**when you don't even love him?**

   He slammed his phone on the mattress before laying on his bed to cry himself to sleep.  
   This is what Rin hated about Sousuke the most.  
    _He was a cold-hearted bastard._


	9. Shivers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Fuck. He fucked his student._  
>  'Sensei?' a deep, male voice was heard and Haru was still staring blankly at the water with a reddish face. Makoto sighed as he repeated. 'Sensei!'  
>  Haru blinked twice before glancing to him. But he then suddenly shrieked: their faces were too close! A worried Mako was seen, making Haru grind his teeth while his eyebrow twitched.  
>  _No. I am the one who was fucked. I was fucked by a student! We haven't had a lesson and he fucked me!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kwE2-BCwiM  
>  _Kylmii Väreitä_ (Shivers) by EVELINA
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXTBbM21plg  
>  _Slow Motion_ by Trey Songz

_i'm pretty sure that the drug that made me high was your lips_

* * *

   Haruka woke up with the pain on his back. His eyes fluttered while his face had shown a bitter expression as his eyebrows furrowed along with his scrunted nose. Scratching his neck, he scanned the whole room. It was a hotel room, but it was more than just that; Haru recognized, he was inside of the most expensive hotel in Iwatobi. His eyes widened, in his head he was screaming ' _How the fuck did he get in here?!_ ', but when he saw the sticky note on the vase, his tensing pained body had been relieved.

**Don't worry about the expenses.**   
**I've paid already and even had you a**   
**breakfast. Don't forget about your**   
**swimming class. I'm your newbie.**

**PS: I cleaned your ass ;)**

**-MAKO**

   Haru's eyes glistened in wonder. The soft light from outside had made the white curtains glow up, with his naked skin feeling the wind that was dancing along. He inserted a finger in his swollen asshole, and felt there was remaining cum, but it was just a tiny bit. Before he could he realize, his mouth had curled into a smile.  
   He was thankful even if Mako-chan was just his one night stand.

* * *

   The entire house was quiet as Haru stepped inside. There was no presence, no smell, no sound of Rin around. He felt relieved but at the same time the pangs of his heart had started.  
   Haru had loved Rin. The way his flaming red pupils would look at his ocean blue ones, it would make his heart skip a beat and would make his blood rush into his face. And everytime they would touch each other or even brush each other's fingers, he would feel the shivers down to his spine.  
   When they became together, Haru was euphoric, but blind of what was happening behind his back.  
   He sighed as he bounced in their shared bed.  _He made a stupid mistake._  
   Haru then looked around and saw the cabinet left open. There were no more clothes that belonged to Rin, and Haru knew that it was the best.  
   It was the best to remove everything that reminds him of him.

* * *

   But actually, that didn't work.  
   Haru was changing his clothes usually into his favorite swimsuit. Even if his back was aching a bit from what happened yesterday, he still went to work for who knows what will happen to his salary if he had an absence plus the moms of those kids would nag and complain to him to death. He then went to put his bag on the locker when something fell out and dropped on the floor, causing him to glance at it.  
   It was a shark in a keychain. Its lustrous blue color shone as the light outside bounced, but Haru's chest tightened as he remembered. This was the keychain he made for Rin. And only for Rin.  
   He stared at it for the long time before realising and blinking. The pool was suprisingly quiet; no ripples, no drops nor splashes were heard, and Haru became confused how come there was no kid waiting for him. Glancing on the wallclock, Haru was dumbfounded. He was an hour earlier.  
   Sitting on the side of the pool, his feet touched the serene water, but when they soaked, shivers went into his spine as he felt the coldness in his skin. He twitched; he was suddenly new and felt like he was becoming anxious than calm. He tried to remove him from his mind; to judge him, to belittle him, to curse him, and to abuse him until the scum would finally disappear--but Haru was hopeless: no matter how much he'd force him out, he'd be repeating and running around in his head in circles.  
 _If he could only choke Matsuoka right now,_  he thought, gazing at the light that reflected on his face. Whilst his dark and dangerous thoughts, a pair of footsteps were heard and suddenly alerted him, making him look up from the other side.  
   Green hair, a pair of long trunks, and a bare, muscular back with a cheerful, cheeky smile were seen in the eyes of Haru. His hand waved, and before Haru would realise, he was waving back at him. Makoto's face suddenly look at him in amazement before rushing to him. The black-haired boy couldn't help but to feel his cheeks heat up as he remembered what happened between them last night.  
 _Fuck. He fucked his student._  
   'Sensei?' a deep, male voice was heard and Haru was still staring blankly at the water with a reddish face. Makoto sighed as he repeated. 'Sensei!'  
   Haru blinked twice before glancing to him. But he then suddenly shrieked: their faces were too close! A worried Mako was seen, making Haru grind his teeth while his eyebrow twitched.  
 _No. I am the one who was fucked. I was fucked by a student! We haven't had a lesson and he fucked me!_  
   'Ah, sorry.' Haru said as he moved away from him, but Mako became closer, almost making their noses touch. 'Hey, what are you doing?'  
   'I want to learn how to swim again!' Shivers were in Haru's spine as he heard Makoto's deep, husky and sensual voice. 'It's been five years already.'  
   He sighed in relief as Mako-chan moved away and sat beside him. Splashes were seen as Mako started moving his feet on the water. 'Why did you stop swimming, Mako-chan?'  
   'It's because everytime I swim, it reminds me of the one I love.'  
   'Why, did you swim the same style?'  
   'No,' Mako looked down, and Haru could notice his long eyelashes. They were beautiful. 'He swims free, while I do backstrokes.'  
   Haru's eyes widened. Backstrokes... The faint memory of his faint smile suddenly blurred out Haru. But nevertheless, he asked. 'You...you like men, Mako-chan?'  
   'Yes, and I think I like you.' He replied with a wink, sending again shivers, but now it was more intensified.  _How dare he flirt with him with such confidence?_  
   'Really?' He asked, with an unbelievable expression shown in his smirk and raised eyebrow. Mako turned to him and looked at him in the eye. 'Yes, I do.'  
   Haruka stared at him in wonder. If he was able to compare Makoto and Mako, it would give a big difference: Makoto was cute and innocent, Mako was hot and mature; Makoto was like a kid, Mako was like a bad boy in the movies; Makoto was obviously sociable and Mako looked like he lived alone for his whole life. But what really made Haru think is the fact that Mako would say on the spot what he feels meanwhile Makoto would bottle up his feelings.  
   Especially when he blurted out everything to him out of anger, and Haruka was really hurt.  
   He hated himself that he hurt him.

* * *

   He tried to distract from the awkwardness by standing in front of the pool, and was about to crouch when Makoto followed him. 'This is how you position yourself when you dive.'  
Makoto nodded and gave a 'hmm...' but to Haru surprise, he could feel a hand groping his butt. 'How is it?'  
   Haru sighed. 'My back still aches, but I can endure it.'  
   'I'm sorry if I was, maybe, a little to harsh last night,' He replied, trailing a finger and then touching the swollen hole, causing Haru to jolt. 'Wha--'  
   Before he can continue, he was suddenly grinded by Makoto, who was rubbing himself to the crouching Haru. He could feel Makoto's clothed dick on his ass, and he could not say a word. 'I believe you were satisfied yesterday, huh? How did that thing with your boyfriend go?'  
   His eyes widened as he stood up. 'How did you know?!'  
   A trembling finger was pointed to Makoto's face, who gave a sly smirk while putting his finger down. 'You told me yesterday. You even tried drowning yourself.'  
   His eyes trembled. He was confused.  _Was he that pathetic?_ Calming himself, Haru breathed deeply before exhaling. He was about to move back to the crouching position when Makoto grabbed his hand. He turn his head and saw Makoto's forest green eyes glistened in the light. For once, he thought he saw the person he wanted to see, for now. 'What?'  
   'I was wondering if...' Mako's voice trailed down as he pulled him closer, with his hands snaking around Haru's naked waist. His face went near and reached his ears, where in a low, husky and seductive voice, invited him. 'Why won't you join me again, hm, sensei?'  
   Shivers were sent again to his spine, and it was enough to make him feel the chills. The shivers were much intensified than it was before, and he didn't know what is happening to him; was it because of Rin that he was distracted, or the hint of Makoto in Mako that made him wonder?  
 _Or maybe because Mako-chan was so seductive that he was caught off-guard?_  
   Haru choked. To his surprise, Mako nibbled his ear, and his breath tingled his nerves. He then went down on his neck where he trailed kisses. He wanted to stop him and punch him in the face, but he stood there. Completely frozen.  
   But suddenly, Mako started sucking the sweet spot on his neck. His knees melted in pleasure and he was unable to stand, causing a moan to go out on his mouth. He gasped as he could not believe how come both of them never had an erection despite they were grinding each other's bodies.  
   'Do you want me to place a hickey on you, sensei?' He asked in a playful tone. Haru then replied in a broken voice, 'No..nn...--'  
   'Sensei!'  
   Immediately, Makoto released him from his embrace as soon as he heard childish squeals and nagging from mothers. He glanced at Haru, who sat on his knees, panting. He gave a wicked smile as he went near. 'I'll see you at the same place tonight, sensei.'  
   He then ran and dived into the water, making Haru look at him in surprise. He looked at him as he did a backstroke; and it was perfect for someome who didn'y swim for five years.  
   Haru can feel his blood boil in anger and annoyance.  
   Mako-chan had just deceived him!


	10. Your Love Isn't Real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_AwyTp9qb0  
>  _Stop Girl_ by U-KISS
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvuZ0TDQpdM  
>  _I'm Not Okay_ by Chen (EXO) from Missing Nine OST

_and just like a dream, i know your love isn't real_

* * *

 

Haruka narrowed his eyes into the smiling Mako. He could feel the dark aura around Haru as he stared at him eye to eye. It wasn't that he wanted to learn to swim again, it was just that he wanted to see Haru--which he did, but he kept on asking on himself the same question all over again.  
    _So, you see him. Isn't it the time to say goodbye and disappear in thin air?_  
Makoto couldn't help but blink at him. Children were on the side watching the two as they had a staring contest without realising, and the way they see those two had made them think that somehow Coach Nanase and this mystery man had a close relationship. Well they  _had,_ but it had broken up with a simple fight. The stare was becoming more and more awkward, and Mako could not help himself but to rise, causing everyone's eyes; including Haru's, to look at his wide, muscled abdomen.  
   'I'm going to see you at the same place tonight, Nanase-sensei.'  
   As he walked away, Haru clenched in annoyance. He couldn't help but think about him as a cocky jerk.  
   Maybe Mako-chan isn't worth it to thank after the night they had.

* * *

   The whole session was like the usual days, and Haruka was surprised; he actually had the motivation to teach the children despite how he felt the past few days. An overwhelmed sigh came from Haru as he dressed back, but seeing a bunch of red-haired strands that caught his eyes had turn them downhill. Haru turned his head to see Rin. His eyes were not the usual sorry look everyone had seen in movies, but rather an sympathic one.

    Haru stared at him blankly, but deep inside he was in disbelief.  
   Right across on the table, Rin gazed at him as they both sat on a diner. The whole atmosphere inside was warm and welcoming, while they were the only ones who had that cold and tensing one. Both were at loss in speech, trying to ask questions and to give explanations, but both of them failed.  
   Both of them opened their mouths, but there was no word coming out. They tried to speak, but they both decided to close it back. It had gone into a ridiculous repetition and it was becoming more, more awkward than it was before.  
   No matter how'd Rin would explain everything, Haru knew it would gone up to the main point: Rin's feelings weren't real.  
   At last, despite his lips trembled, Rin spoke. 'I... I'm sorry, Haru.'  
   'I'm sorry for hurting you. It wasn't that I didn't consider how you'd feel but...'  
   'You were just a rebound. I never had... I tried. I tried, Haru. I...'  
   Like his heart was whipped, Haru could not help but to stare at him with the same expressionless face. But Rin knew that the way he looked at him was cold. It was filled with contempt. Who would not feel like that if all your fantasies would just dissolve into an illusion?  
   He continued looking at him without blinking. 'Will you...?'  
   'I forgive you.' He was straightforward, which everyone hates about him. 'But please forget about me. Please forget that we know each other.'  
   'I can't do that, Haru. I--'  
   'You can be happy and be free now, Rin. No matter how'd I try to juggle it up, you used my love as if it was an object. It would be better if we forget that we met.'  
   Rin quivered, trying to get a grasp of his hand as he tried to stop him, but it ended up being slapped away. A glare was on Haru's face as he added; 'Since your love wasn't real, I cannot help but regret you ever since we met.'  
   The corners of his eyes were now filled with liquid as he saw him walking away. Rin didn't feel sad. He felt gulity. He should've cared for him. He should've seen the consequences of his actions.  
   He shouldn't have played with Haru's feelings.

* * *

   He helplessly slid down as he leaned on the door.  
   The tears in his eyes were trickling as he stare helplessly in silence, blurring his vision. The way he breathed was slow, and he could almost feel the dryness on the bottom his throat.  
   Haru could not help but think how he looked so pathetic facing Rin. He felt like a fool, almost imagining what he sees is reality. He always thought that he had a good judgement on people, but somehow when he fell in love, that line was blurred.  
   And in the end, he was hurt.  
   And now he vowed himself. He should forget about him and start over again. Not in a sense he would change, but to change in a way he'd try not hurt himself again.  
    _What? By one night stands?_  
 _If only if_... Haru sighed. If he regretted falling in love with that red-haired boy, he had regretted losing the orca who stucked himself beside him.  
   Unaware, a bunch of text messages had appeared on the screen.

* * *

   'Hey there...'  
   Makoto smiled at the woman who chirped at him. She wore a short skirt which its hemline reached far above her knee, and he could tell that this woman was into him, judging on how she'd steer her body into him. A huge grin was plastered on her face, making him smile back just to return the favor.  
   The club wasn't noisy as it was before. The music was mellow, and there were dancing in waltz, but it would never lose couples making out in the corner. Before he could realise, the woman was staring at him eagerly,making him feel that she was excited to devour him.  
   She then ordered a drink, and when he offered paying it, she refused, saying she'll pay for it. Makoto had encountered these situations, but right now he felt uneasy. Was it because he was eager to meet him again?  
   Of course, it was. He was eager. But at the same time he was desperate. He was eagerly desperate to tell Haru who he was and to confess and let him know how he felt about it despite knowing he'd either ignore or brush it off. He knew he'd be hurt all over again by the silent torture Haru was giving him, but he was fine with that.  
   As long it guarantees he'd lose his feelings for him. So that Haru would not be hurt by his own obsession.  
   The woman was chatty and he felt like he'd lose motivation in entertaining her. He kept looking at the time on his wristwatch, tapping the cold glass at the same time. He just wanted to end everything and start over.. but where was he?  
   He seamed his lips, which were dry and chapped from the high humidity he felt inside. He scanned the whole place while diverting his look from the woman, who had shown no signs of stopping. He then glanced back at her as she suddenly said, 'What's wrong, Mako-san?'  
   'Ah, nothing, but...' He went down and saw the skirt getting skimpier on her smooth, milky-white legs before whispering in her ear. 'Yo, nice skirt.'  
   Despite the darkness was the light of the club, he noticed her blushing just by her chuckle. 'Really, thank you...'  
   'Anyway, how did you know my name is Mako?'  
   The girl stared at him long before replying; 'Everyone knows your name, Mako-san. Don't you even realise that? You were the mysterious bad boy in Iwatobi.'  
   He could not help but stare at her with his mouth agape in disbelief. 'Really? I never knew about that.'  
   He paced, looking back at his watch then to her. It was getting late, and there was no Haruka showing up. He sighed. 'Is there anything wrong, Mako-san?'  
   'Nothing. Why?'  
   'You've been looking at your watch anxiously for a while. Perhaps you were waiting for someone, eh?'  
   He shook his head. 'No. I'm just like that.'  
   The both of them continued talking, and everyone was envious of the woman Makoto was talking with. Everyone wamted him, but still Makoto felt like the unwanted attention isn't enough. What the hell's the use of this fame if he could not get any attention from the person he needed from?  
   The night ended for the both of them at bed. Everytime their lips touched, Makoto would remember how soft Haru's were as they brushed against him; everytime he'd touch her skin, he would remember the soft and supple skin Haru had; everytime he saw her face and her mouth full of moans, he would remember Haru's erotic face that made him lose control, and the moans that were music to his ears.   
   Even if he would fuck the whole population every night, it would never change the satsifaction he'd recieved from holding Haruka. It was like holding a tiny bird into safety. He had vowed himself not to hurt or defile Haru because for him, Nanase Haruka was a god-like person whom he'd shower all his devotion on him; and would do anything for his sake. He would even sacrifice his own happiness.  
   He did when he let Haru and Rin have a healthy relationship whilst he'd sit there in misery.  
   The smoke coming out from his nostrils were thick, and he was standing on the balcony on the hotel. It was not any other night; it was a lonely one. He never felt like he was comforted while holding someone who wasn't Haru, and by that he had realised he still had long way to cross if he was willing to remove all the memories about Haru in his life.  
   His eyes trailed to the sky and saw the peaceful view of the clouds that were in a soft shade of black. The moon illuminated the whole place, but it was conquered by the artificial lights on the buildings. The whole town was busy even if it was late at night, and he was confused how Iwatobi was slowly becoming like the young Tokyo.  
  He tapped the cigarette on the cold metal, making the ash fall off with ease and placed back on his mouth. He wondered how many times he had one night stands under the influence of alcohol, and also the times he'd smoke right after he was finished fucking.  
   Man or woman, Makoto was okay with that. At least he could hold someone, but it wasn't enough. It was never enough.  
   The wind swept his green hair and had sent chills over his half-naked body. He stood there emotionless. But suddenly, an uncomfortable feeling had gone in him, causing him to hold on the bars to maintain his balance.  
   He felt like he was about to choke, and how he felt his breath was losing was somehow making him dizzy. There was a heavy feeling that had pressed into his chest, and he was struggling to let it go. It might be a cough, but somehow it was a painful one.  
   His palm clenched as he tried to cover his mouth, but it suddenly was lost and he felt like he was breathing again. He sighed in relief as he went back.  
   He started dressing himself while looking at the sleeping, naked woman on the bed. More or less, he had broken the blood inside her.  
   Little did he know a trail of blood had dripped from his mouth.


	11. No Make-Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqcte1r3aiQ  
>  _No Makeup_ by Zion.T
> 
> PLEASE REPEAT THIS FUCKING SONG ITS SO MEANINGFUL

_you_ _'re already beautiful the way you are_

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: IF YOU'RE GONNA WATCH THE VID AT LEAST TURN THE CAPS ON BC THE LYRICS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL**

   Nagisa always knew Rei loved beautiful things.  
   He knew he'd love to see a beautiful form in swimming.  
   He knew he'd calculate everything to see something beautiful.  
   He knew he'd praise everything that was beautiful on his face.  
   But the only thing that Nagisa was anxious about is that he always think he wasn't beautiful. Not at all.  
   That's why he was either putting up makeup or putting facials whenever his husband was not around. He would rush in the bathroom to wash his face whenever he heard the door clicking.  
   For almost a year, Nagisa had a ridiculous secret. Their three-year old daughter Reisa would curiously asked what the green-colored substance or the gel was on his papa's face as she would see him putting it everytime her daddy was on work. Nagisa would explain that it was to make papa beautiful, and had warned her not to use because it was only for adults.  
   Every night when Rei was asleep, he would slowly get up and silently tiptoed to the bathroom, where he'd quietly put on a mask on his face while his senses were alert, whenever he felt like Rei is going to wake up.  
   Nagisa was so engrossed in the perfection of his beauty that he would neglect his sleep.  
   The Hazuki-Ryuguzaki household had the typical mornings; breakfast was served and cooked by Nagisa himself, Rei would wear his uniform as he goes to work as an mathematics teacher, and then they would both send Reisa to the same school and Nagisa would go back home alone. He would then start putting on his foundation.  
   But Rei felt like something was wrong with his husband. As they were having breakfast, he noticed him blinking slowly as if he was still sleepy. Worried, he went to touch his face and let his thumb rub his cheek, which to his surprise, made Nagisa twitch. 'Hey, Nagisa, you haven't slept last night?'  
   'I did...' He trailed off, almost avoiding his eye contact. Rei stared at him in disbelief as he stroked his face. He could sense that he was lying, judging by the dark circles that formed under his eyes for the past few days. 'But something woke me up, so I had a hard time sleeping.'  
   Rei sighed before removing his hand. 'You should've hugged me.'  
   'I'm afraid I might wake you up.'  
   He gave a soft smile. 'I don't care as long as you can sleep properly, penguin.'  
   Nagisa could feel his heart skip a beat.

* * *

   'I'm going to work now,' Rei said as he readjusted his glasses. He and Nagisa were in front of the teachers' office and they had just sent their daughter to her classroom. The pale look on Nagisa's face seemed to worry him as he looked at him with such wondering face. He touched his cheek and gave a peck on the blond's forehead before adding, 'Good bye. I love you, Nagisa.'  
   Nagisa smiled. 'Good bye. I love you too.'  
   The walk home didn't seem to make him tired, but Nagisa was excited for he was alone to do what he liked. Grabbing the white bag he'd been keeping under the bed, he sat on the hairdresser on their bedroom and sighed. He was worried about the circles that was noticed by Rei; and by the look in his eyes, he feared that he will lose interest in him, and will leave him alone. A pain in his throat was felt was he stared at his face. The more he'd stare, the more he hated it.  
    _Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Still not beautiful._  
He held the foundation on his hand and opened it. It was silent, but Nagisa could feel his heart beating so fast in delight as he enjoyed applying it on his face, making his imperfections disappear. The simple glide of the lipstick pampered his longing for warmth while his eyes blinked as he applied thin layers of eyeshadow. He blended it in, with such happiness counted in every swipe of his mascara while his eyes fluttered.  
   Nagisa felt like he was beautiful. But he was anxious at the same time if Rei would find him like this and think of it as ugly.  
   A pout appeared on his lips. He was making himself happy at his heart's content, but he felt that thorn give pangs to his heart as soon as he was quickly reminded by his husband.  
    _Will he like it?_  
 _Will he love it?_  
 _Will he love me more?_  
 _Will he hate it?_  
 _Will he feel disgusted seeing me like this?_  
 _Will he leave me because I was not beautiful enough for him?_  
There were thousands of questions in his mind. He held the cottonball that was soaked with make-up remover and was about to remove it when a voice called out and make him freeze in place.  
   'Nagisa, I forgot my ben--Nagisa?'

* * *

   Nagisa sat in front of him, with a gulity look in his face. Rei was sitting on the bed whilst he turned his chair just to face him with make-up still on his face. The blue-haired man had a long look on his face, and every second his husband's heart was thumping in nervousness.  
   Silence between them was long, and it was putting up more friction as it tried to heat the tension more in them. Inside him, Nagisa became helpless. He knew that once Rei knew about this, he would probably feel disgusted seeing his husband look like a woman. To his surprise, a snicker went out finally from his mouth, making Nagisa look at him in wonder.  
   'I thought... I thought there's something wrong between us...' Rei sighed. 'I thought that you were cheating on me...'  
   Nagisa's pinkish-red eyes widened. 'What?! Cheating? How could I do tha--'  
   Rei's body suddenly trembled, making Nagisa realise that there were tears falling down on the carpet as it wet them; causing a dark shade on the surface. 'I was wondering if there's something happening behind my back... I...'  
   Nagisa immediately ran and wrapped his arms around him while kneeling. He reassured him; 'Why would I cheat on you? Come on, Rei, I love you so much.'  
   'I hate myself that I didn't trust you that much.' Rei had finally calmed down and was starting to wipe his face and his glasses. 'But I'm so happy that my hunch is wrong and you would still be beside me.'  
   He gave a pearly smile before sighing heavily and lean back. A gulity look was in his face as he stared into his husband's indigo eyes. 'I am afraid you won't accept me being like this.'  
   Rei gave him a confused look. 'What do you mean?'  
   'I was afraid that you didn't find me beautiful.' His gaze went down, on the carpet floor while his hands rested on Rei's lap. 'Knowing you for your love of beautiful things, I suddenly realise that what if you would leave me and Reisa because you didn't find me beautiful just like before?'  
   'I became obsessed with that thought, so I tried to feed that fear by putting up facial masks and make-up everytime you'd go to work or to sleep.'  
   'I would feel sometimes that I am beautiful, but at the same time I felt like it was beautiful enough. Not even beautiful for your standard.'  
   'So I did everything. I even lose weight. I'd secretly buy some masks and some makeup and hide it under the bed so that you'll never see it.'  
   'But I feel guilty everytime I looked at the face in the mirror because you've been worrying about me and I kept lying that I was fine.'  
   'Everytime I lie to you, it hurts me to think that I am not trusting you to see who I am. I fear that you won't want me because I am not beautiful anymore, or even pleasinf to your eyes. I was scared you'd push me away.' Tears were forming on his eyes, and Rei was looking at him with a shocked expression. His cry had turned into countless sobs and he placed the both of his hands on his face before burying it on his husband's lap.  
   'I just wanted to look beautiful to you. I just wanted to be beautiful to you because that's my way of showing how much I've appreciate your love for me.'  
   Slowly, Rei's big, yet soft, long hands had quietly patted Nagisa's hair. He then played along the silky blond strands and gave a soft chuckle while tears were wetting his husband's face; Rei knew it would turn a mess later on.  
   'I'm sorry I doubted your faith.' He started, looking on the sobbing head laid before him. 'I was wondering why you would act so strange and would be doing all those weird stuff.'  
   'I did wonder why I felt you were so far away even you're just sleeping beside me, and it somehow gave me a hunch. What if you're doing something wrong behind my back? I always said myself to get the facts straight like how I calculate theories, but being someone who loves like an idiot, I was misreading things.'  
   'I thought you had a secret lover because I can sometimes feel like you were doing something while I'm in my sleep, and would be excited about something when I was about to go to work. I became anxious when I thought, what if Nagisa would leave me with another man?'  
   'I feared being left alone. I feared being rejected. I feared being pulled down by someone I like that had no interest in me. This is why I am a perfectionist, calculating almost everything just to have it all right. That's why my fear had eaten up my love and my trust for you that I should have been fortifying so that it'll be strong.'  
   'But I realise, what if I'm wrong? I knew you would not do that to me, but it was to overpowering. But somehow I was relieved. Relieved that I was wrong.'  
   'I don't want to lose you, Nagisa.' He could feel the sincerity of Rei's voice as it had gotten deeper than it was before. 'I've never found someone so special and annoying like you. Even if you annoy me that much with that smile that irritates me because it would make my heart go crazy and those twinkling, cheerful smiles that completes my day once I see it, I had love you and you proved your love too by just that.'  
   'Just please don't work too much, my penguin.' To his surprise, Rei's hands removed Nagisa's hands and cupped his face. Gladly, the mascara was waterproof, so it didn't made black marks. 'I will love you for who you are.'  
   'I would accept you no matter what or who you are, because you were the only one I love and will always be. So please, stop looking at the mirror. Don't worry about your weight getting higher, because you're already beautiful the way you are to me.'  
   His pinkish-red eyes widened as he saw how Rei's eyes sparkled. He could not help but to cry in happiness as the thorn has finally been removed from him. Rei had pulled him closer to a kiss; tongues touching with the passion of newly rekindled love, and Nagisa was delight to hold him once again.  
   As they parted, they looked into each other's eyes before Rei laughed, making Nagisa look at him confused. 'What?'  
   'I actually forgot my bento.'

   'See you later again.'  
   Rei said as the both of them stood by the door. A happy, cheerful smile was on his husband's tiny face, and it made him happy. Holding the purple cloth, he whispered into Nagisa's ear as he pulled him closer. 'I love you, Nagisa. Don't forget that.'  
   'I love you too.' He replied.  
   'Can I have a second goodbye kiss?'  
   Nagisa chuckled before pulling Rei to kiss him. Their lips had sync in a fast, yet gentle manner, and suddenly after they parted, Nagisa had sucked Rei's neck, making him grunt in pleasure. A smirk curved Rei's lips as he spoke playfully. 'Do you really want to do it, huh?'  
   'Yeah, but we have Reisa.'  
   'She can stay at the Tachibanas.' He replied, his voice getting huskier as he nibbled Nagisa's ear.  
   'Really, huh?' He cocked him an eyebrow. 'Anyway, why is it so easy for you to accept me wearing make-up?'  
   'Have you forgot it? We're gay.'  
   Nagisa was dumbfounded. 'Oh.'

* * *

   'Ryuguzaki-kun, is that a hickey on your neck?'  
   'Ah, what? Uh... y-yeah...'  
   'Did your husband did that? Surely it is nice to be married, huh?'


	12. Jelly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqwJNSi0E84  
>  _Jelly_ by HOTSHOT
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CBv35fKnDc  
>  _Stay _by Edward Avila (aka my fave youtuber)__

_i know it'll break apart_ _yet why_ _do i keep holding unto you?_

* * *

    It was still the same as Makoto would thought.  
   His eyebrow twitched, looking at his phone full of sent messages, yet empty of responses from him. He sighed as he laid back, bouncing the bed in a childish manner as he had rememebered; he decided to take a rest and stop meeting Haruka for a while. His eyes stared the ceiling in his old room, and it reminded him of his old self; the old Makoto Tachibana whose smiles would reach his ears. He rolled on his bed, but suddenly the door opened, making him turn to it. A straight frown was on Ren's face while Ran had a nervous look.  
   'Aniki, let's talk.'

   'Tell us what's your work in Tokyo.'   
   '...' Makoto's lips were seamed as he stared into Ren's eyes, noticing the glint of anger in it. The boy gave a 'tch' as he slammed his hand on the wall. He could feel him grinding his teeth in annoyance, but he chose to find ways to dodge the question, because he knew it would hurt them. Especially their parents. 'Why can't you?!'  
   'I don't want you to know because if you do, you would hate me.' He replied, almost crushing his left hand as it was squeezed by the right. Ren on the other hand, had stood there without a word coming out from her mouth.   
   'Why would we hate you, aniki? We need to know, because ever since you've came, we felt like something's wrong. There's something wrong, and we know that's there's something that happened to you in Tokyo. We are worried about you, aniki.'  
   'You don't have to worry, okay? I was fine when I was---'  
   'But nii-san, your face doesn't look fine when you're talking.' blurted out Ran as she went nearer.  
   Silence had crept up between them, while Makoto's eyes dare not to break down while looking into the gaze of the worried twins on him. He knew he would come to this moment, but it somehow gave him uncertain anxiousness which had the capacity to let them know how much dignity he had lost when he was there.  
   In Tokyo no one knew what happened to the innocent boy when he had drop off there.  
   'I...am an escort.'  
   'An escort...?' Ren's eyes were shivering in such confused manner his twin can see how his body shook in a horrible state. Makoto's face went down, but with such low words he continued, 'On the first few months in Tokyo, I had a quite stable life, but when the day came where the apartment I've been staying at had burned, I was homeless...'  
   'I didn't want to have Mom and Dad worry about me, but then I stayed to a classmate, and since I wanted to pay back everything, I've decided to find a job as a waiter on a bar.'  
   'But then there were times a costumer would hit on me, but I would turn it down. But then there were some who were desperate and even let me drank a drugged drink.'  
   'That was the most terrible thing that happened in my life.' He continued, with waterdrops falling from his eyes. 'I was raped unconcious.'  
   'But then I had gotten used to it; getting hit on, sex, money. I became a whore.'  
   No matter how'd Makoto would explain, the tears in Ren's eyes had gone through and was now hugging him tight.  
   Ren didn't bother to ask his nii-san what he do for work just for nothing. He just wanted to ask, why, or what did happen to turn his aniki, that was once a boy everyone loved, to someone who was a cold, rigid monster.

* * *

   It was just silent as he preferred.  
   The night sky had reflected its black and blue shades down the sea where the sand had chose to lie. The wind had a  chilly touch as he sat down with hair dancing along. His crystalline blue eyes had matched the serene scenery.  
   His mouth was closed, chapped and faded as he tried to wet it, but it was no use. Such bitterness had gone into his life suddenly he was speechless.  
   The sand was rough but at the same time it felt soft. The thoughts that were stuck on his head had blurred, and he was floating.  
   He was a fool. He was naïve. He was an idiot. His eyes lazed down the water, where the light illuminated by the moon made them shine like stars in the skies.  
   Finally, a pitchless sigh had came up from him. It was going nowhere but he felt like he had a place for water.  
   For so many dramatic experiences happening on his life, he had forgotten how he'd feel when he was in the water.  
   He would feel happy floating freely alone on the clearless liquid, and such euphoric feeling made him unique from everything. Water... it became his escape from everything.  
   But right now he felt like he cannot touch it. He felt... he felt... impure.  
   'Haruka.'  
   It was deep. It was calm. It had soothed him. Haru took the gaze from the sea longer before moving his head up.  
   It was dark, but it was enough to see everything. The light from the moon had highlighted his face, and it made Haruka smile, but at the same time look at him with such unbelievable look. 'Mako-san?'  
   'Ah, you knew it's me?' Such laughing tone made him hesitant for a while before moving farther from him. He could feel Mako sitting behind him as he felt the sand moving. The distance of their hands were in a decent one, but Haru felt like it was special.  
   'How did you find me here?' blurted out Haru as he felt like there was something wrong behind the silence of Mako.  
   'No.' He replied. 'I did not find you. I just happen to find you here, that's all.'  
   'Ah really?' He felt relieved as he stood back. Silence soon draped the both of them as they continued staring at the sea. It had no words involved, but Haru felt like it was meaningful.  
   Just two people looking at the sea. Gazing silently, but indently. Slowly, Haru could feel himself letting his hand close to Mako's, but the latter had his twitching, making him furrow in confusion. 'Is there something wrong, Mako-san?'  
   A long pause came from him, but he soon replied. 'I wanted to deny that there is, but I hate to lie, so yeah.'  
   'It wasn't really a big deal...'  
   'No, I think it was. You look like you need someone to talk to.'  
   'You think so?' He chimed in disbelief. In the darkness Haru had nodded, and he could see the simple seaming of Makoto's lips. Silence followed, and he felt like it was become a nonsensing distance between them. He tried. 'I like dolphins. A lot.'  
   'Is that the reason why you're swimming?' He gladly shook, probably had a bliss on having the small change of their topic effective. 'No. It's just that it's what people see me.'  
   'I swim free.' Mako could see his eyes glisten despite the darkness. 'I feel happy everytime I was in the water and people would ask me if I am in love with swimming or the water, and I would then ask myself, did I love the water than way?'  
   'So you were compared by a dolphin by people because you loved the water?' Haru could swear he'd hear Mako's tone in sarcastic disbelief. He surely defended as he suddenly added. 'No. That's not it. It was that I had that friend of mine.'  
   'He was the one who first told me that I was like a dolphin. He'd seen dolphins swimming freely either underneath or on the surface and he suddenly thought about me when he was them.'  
   'I then continued thinking that maybe that guy was right. He was able to see things right on me as if I were so transparent. He became my other half, but now he's gone and I feel incomplete.' The bitterness had gone to Haru's voice, making the end of his sentence be faded in the wind. It took another pause before Makoto had gone to talk. 'If I were to see myself as an animal, I'd be a mako shark.'  
   Haru chuckled. 'Why, because your name is Mako?'  
   'No, because it is a shark.' Haru gave him a bored look, which made Makoto laugh as he added, 'I feel like sharks were often seen as dangerous creatures, but deep inside, they were innocent. I feel like I was one of those.'  
   But then he grew silent. 'I take it back.'  
   'Why?' He asked, confused. But when he saw the tears that were shining and were trickling down his face, he was struck in awe, not for amazement, but for some unknown pang in his heart that caused a dent for him.  
   He can hear Mako sniff before continuing, 'I was an orca. They call me an orca. A killer whale. Such harmless face with such a ruthless heart. I might make people smile and feel happy but at the same time when I hurt people, it makes them loathe me because I give scars that forever bleed.'  
   The ocean was silent. So were they. Haru had reflected what Mako had said;  _Why orca?_ he would've asked, seeing the long face beside him being conflicted on things he wanted to say.  
   'I had a friend who I see as an orca.'  
   'Really?' A bitter response came from him. 'Was he ruthless?'  
   'No, he wasn't.' Haru replied, playing with sand until his hands were buried deep within. 'He was sweet.'  
   'Why an orca, then? Can't he be a dolphin?' Mako had concealed that thorn in his chest, seeing how eager Haru talk about him, as if he was oblivious to the person sitting beside him. It sounded like they're backstabbing himself.  
  'He was an orca not because he was dangerous, but he felt like he need to please people because he was afraid he will hurt them.'  
   'Did he...hurt you?'  
   'No, he didn't.' Mako's heart skipped in disbelief. 'But I did.'  
   The both of them had spoke no more, but Makoto's heart was beating frantically.  _Why, why, why would he think he would hurt me?_ He had repeated the same question all over again. Not taking anymore, he stood up. But his hand was grabbed by Haru.  
   'Tell me what you want.' Makoto said in a cold, yet pained tone.  
   'Please don't go.' He begged, making Makoto froze and his lips quivering. 'I just wanted you... to stay.'  
   Makoto's eyes flew open as turned back to Haru, whose eyes were begging for mercy. He sat back, feeling defeated.  
   Everything was silent, and the moment Haruka knew about him, he had realized, that even if he had doubted himself, Mako-san with his green hair was Makoto Tachibana he used to love.

* * *

   It was the same after all.  
   They became nothing but friends with benefits.  
   Every now and then, Haru would be with Makoto teaching with the kids, and would later on go to the bar and lastly, will fuck. Makoto was already satisfied with it, as long as he held Haru.  
   He knew it would make him happier if he held Haru forever.  
   But he never knew his heart was breaking by his foolishness.  
   All those endless kisses, all those tingling touches, those beautiful moans that were music to his ears, it was all meaningless to the both of them.  
   However, Makoto was fucking selfish. He was a motherfucking egoist.  
   But somehow he'd hold himself back for Haru so that he will never show himself again to hurt him like he used to. If only he can whisper his endless confession of love he'd tenderly and gently hold him, he would've. But he felt like he betrayed himself.  
   He was a shitty person. He knew he was only with Haru for the sake of saying farewell to him, yet why is he still holding to him?  
    _Was there something to hold to?_  
 _Was there something left to lose?_  
 _Was there an open wound that was needed to open?_  
 _Was there even something between them that he was expecting to be real?_  
Makoto knew about that. He knew the pain reality had given him ever since after five years his life became a joke and his current status is now a jerk. Yet even if it was breaking his heart, he would still be clinging to it as if it held his life.  
   Rising from the water, his forest green eyes had fell down on the perso walking up. Droplets of water fell down from his bare skin; from his biceps, his pectorals and his abs, while what caught his attention was his clothed ass that was seducing him. He didn't even realised he had gone up to Haru and started kissing the nape of his neck while wrapping his arms around him.  
   'What are you doing?'  
   'Let's go later.'  
   He could feel Haru trembling by his touch as he stopped kissing, but instead he buried his head on his back.  
   'Please, sensei. Let's stay like this for a little longer.'  
   Makoto knew staying with Haru would only end up breaking his heart all over again, yet he would still keep holding unto him like he used to do.


	13. Serendipity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEMaH9Sm3lQ  
>  _Intro: Serendipity_ by BTS
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGkx8HXzbl4  
>  _Sweet Lies_ by EXO

_Because the truth hurts more than the lie_

* * *

 

    _I want you to dress beautiful tonight._  
   Haru's eyes widened in confusion as he clasped his phone. The voice on the other line had his voice inviting and he felt his excitement. 'What?'  
    _Dress beautiful tonight._  He replied.  _I'll take you somewhere._  
'But I'm male though?'  
   Mako laughed.  _You're so naïve, Haru-sensei._  
'Please stop calling me sensei,' He rolled his eyes in annoyance, but at the same time he can't help but giggle. It was just a month after they both met, and Haru had realised how much they grew up on each other.  
   That is, he developed his feelings for him.  
   He doesn't even know how or when did these feelings had bloom in such way he could not explain, but he had kept all inside for the green-haired Mako-san.  
    _I'll get you, no matter what._ He hunged up with the touch of a smirk in his voice. Haruka sighed as he bounced on his bed, his heart beating a pace faster than he had expected. It would be the first time they'll have a date, and Haru doesn't even know one thing about this.  
    _So what the hell does Mako-san like?_

* * *

He sat on the wooden chair whilst the blonde child gazed at him with curiousity, making him uncomfortable. 'Why is your child looking at me in that way, Nagisa?'  
   Nagisa chuckled as he placed the small metal bowl in front of the 2-year-old. 'It's just that she find you too cool.'  
   'Really?' His eyes shone in happiness. Despite his cold exterior, Nagisa knew Makoto was still the sweet old orca.  
   Makoto had gone up to Nagisa to ask something. It wasn't trivial though, but even if he oozed in confidence, he still regretted asking Haru to meet him at night.  
   He was dying. He was dying and was desperate to tell Haruka who he was, and how much he felt about him. He was eager to tell him that he will try his best to forget him so that Haru will not be hurt reminding that there's still Makoto loving him. A deep sigh went out of his mouth.  
   'So what did you plan to suprise him?'  
   'I just wanted him to give him this,' He pulled out a blue rectangular velvet box from his pocket, making Nagisa gasp in surprise. 'You're going to marry him?!'  
   'No that's not it,' He twirled the box in his hands, making Reisa follow the movement with her eyes. Nagisa was confused why his expression was so far different from what he had planned to do later. 'It's just that...'  
   His words had trailed, and somehow by the heavy thumping inside, Makoto had realized that after all this time he tried to distance himself from him, the more Haru would pull him.  
   '...I've realised that I'm falling for him all over again even if all I want to do is to say goodbye to him.'  
   'I've... I've always wanted to say goodbye to him.' He added, trailing his eyes over the box with an expression Nagisa had seen before. 'The more I tried to push him and to distance myself from him, the more I'm getting attached. All I wanted is to forget him  but still I'm stuck here with him.'  
   It might be a dramatic time, but Nagisa had always understood how much pain Makoto had felt. Sure, it was clearly ironic, but it was hard for Makoto. He just wanted so say goodbye, but instead he fell down to the same place all over again.  
   'Even if it's sad to see you like this, I still became happy because you were frantic when it came to surprising Haru.' He spoke, trying to cheer the man up. But when he saw the sad smile on his face, he knew he failed to do so.  
   'Yeah. And this will be the last time. I will forget about him. Even if it's painful, I'll still endure it. I don't mind because no matter how I'd tried it, I can't deny that I will sacrifice everything for him.'  
   The three of them startled when Nagisa's phone had rang. Reisa suddenly cried because of surprise, making him choose whether he'll get the phone or hold her.  
   'I'll keep her calm.' Makoto gave a sweet smile, making him nod as he held his phone. His eyes widened as he saw the caller ID on his phone screen. 'Haru-chan?'  
   And immediately as he heard his name, Makoto froze, but then continued calming the little girl as she was crying loudly. 'Haru?'  
    _Ah, I'm going to your place ask you something._ Nagisa felt relieved as he heard him. He should be telling Makoto to leave so that Haru will never know. He should find ways to keep the two from seeing each other, especially Haru, who never knew who he was at the first place. If it never went according to plan, then it will leave them a scar that will forever bleed into their hearts. 'What time will you come? I'll be fixi--'  
    _It's actually really urgent._ Nagisa could feel his whole body trembling as he held the phone. Makoto, who had placed the calmed Reisa, immediately went near as he noticed the worried look on his face. His hand had distanced far enough to let him talk.  
    _Nagisa, I'm waiting outside._

* * *

'Nagisa?' Haru had started calling Nagisa as soon as he started walking from the station. He could not help but smile in the excitement hidden on the bottom of his heart. It was just a simple meeting--he would imagine--and he clearly knew there was something fishy happening there. He just wanted to be calm about it, but he could not help but think about the outcomes of the upcoming night.  
   He can hear the loud cries of Reisa on the phone as he heard ' _Haru-chan?_ ' on the other line. He was about to talk when he heard a familiar voice from Nagisa. A deep, different voice calling Reisa's name resonated with familiarity to him.  
   He had wondered, had he ever heard that kind of voice before?  
   He continued walking, still holding the phone close to his ear as his eyes trailed to the green scenery around. It was calming and it had been even more serene as the wind gently blow and let his black hair touch his forehead softly.  
    _Just let me love you..._  
 _Haru?_ He blinked in surprise. He immediately stopped walking, making him almost trip. It was just a month. It was just a month when he and Rin broke up, but he immediately felt those feelings for him fade away instantly. It felt like a perfume with its scent whiffed into the wind. He had feared, that maybe his feelings for Mako-san was just another fantasy thats going to end.  
    _Was it fear? Was it just that he made him a rebound but he then fell in love?_  
 _Or was it because he found Makoto in the very of his movements?_  
He ran in embarrasment.  
   As he reached on the doorsteps, he became excited but anxious at the same time. Uttering the words  _Nagisa, I'm waiting outside,_ he had the urge and was itching to tell Nagisa about him. It took a while for the phone call to be off and the door be opened. A slightly panicked Nagisa went out with a cranky smile on his face. 'Oh, Haru-chan! Did you wait long?'  
   The excited feeling made Haru ignore the slightly trembling voice of Nagisa and he strided in with eagerness.   
   'There's a guy whom I met,' Haru started, sitting at the counter beside Reisa. Nagisa sat across him, back full of sweat. 'And I think I've fallen for him.'  
   'But how about Rin?' The guy across him became serious, making him sigh. 'I don't even know why, but it's just that...I forgot about him easily.'  
   'You meant that your feelings for him were just fake?' Haru crossed his arms and leaned on the counter. Either it was that he was hurt from all the things that happened to him or from the love he started to feel, Nagisa had noticed how much expression Haru had shown now was more compared the years before. It took a long pause before he replied: 'I think that I was just infatuated in him. He was my first crush.'  
   Nagisa could not help but smile sadly. 'That's good to hear. By the way, who's this guy you're going to have a date with?'  
   'Nagisa, how did you know?' Haru cocked him an eyebrow as he gave him a questioning look. The blond boy gulped, trying to find an alibi. 'Because it sound like you are going to, duh.'  
   He was then surprised by the smile that crept up from Haruka's face. 'He was gentle despite that he looked cold and bad.'  
   'Wow, that sounds like your typical bad boy in the movies.'  
   'He does!' Haru's eyes shone. 'He was also very kind despite his glares were really dangerous. He kept on asking me whether it hur---'  
   'Wait, wait, wait,' Nagisa cut him off with his eyebrows furrowed. 'You  _had_ sex with him?'  
   Haru nodded. 'How many times?'  
   'Every 3 times a week.'  
   'Are you together?'  
   'No.'  
   'Well then,  _you're sex friends?_ '  
   'Maybe,' But Haru shook his head. 'But I get the vibe that we're more than sex friends and we're less than lovers.'  
   'Oh, really?' Nagisa looked at him with a smirk on his face. 'So what's his name?'  
   'His name was Mako.' He flinched into his response. 'And somehow he... he reminded me of Makoto in some way.'  
   Little did he know someone behind the doors had his ears on them. His body twitched in surprise, and he was begging to himself that Haru will never know who he was. 'And even if he resembled Makoto so much, I can't help but think that he's different from him.'  
   'I just wanted to protect him so that I won't ever hurt him like I did to Makoto.'  
   Nagisa gave him a sad expression. He was stuck, and he wanted lie that he was unaware of everything happening between Makoto and Haruka.  
   When will Haruka realise that he'd been breaking Makoto's heart ever since they met again?

* * *

   Mako-san appeared in Haru's sight later that night, leaning on his black motorcyle. Haru could not help but to glance at the man more longer than usual as he stood on the window of his room. He can see how the black leather jacket had wrapped up Makoto's arms, and underneath the white shirt, he can see his toned collar bones. His legs were slender, but it had clinged to the jeans tight, showing how it was full of muscle. Mako's hair was in a sleek hairstyle, which made Haru surprised that he noticed that Mako-san did an undercut. Haruka could not help but gulp as he saw the seductive smile on Mako's face.  
   And suddenly, his phone vibrated.

    **MAKO**  
 **Enjoying the view?**

He glanced back outside and saw the man looking at him with a devilish smirk on his face. He then looked down on himself, and realised that he was only wearing the pair of jeans and that his torso were bare naked. Haru ran back, flustered.  
   It only took a few moments for him to open at his doorstep. He wore light blue shirt with an undershirt, breathing heavily and blushing intensely. His heart was beating faster as he walked slowly to Mako, who was looking at him.  
   Meanwhile, Makoto had restrained himself to cry in front of Haru. The man walking to him with a shy, blushing face was beautiful, and he could not help but to make tears fall from his eyes. Today is going to be the last day he'll be with Haru. And even if his words will hurt him, maybe he'll be fine. Because if he had hurt him, he will fireback the action instead.  
   'Mako-san?' Makoto blinked. 'Oh, Haru. Are you ready?'  
   Haru could not help but to blush as he heard Mako's husky, inviting voice. It made him go weak. 'Y-yeah.'

    _I tell her sweet lies, sweet lies, sweet lies_  
 _The sweetest lie in the world baby_  
 _I tell her sweet lies, sweet lies_  
 _If this is what you want, I’ll give it all to you_  
The sound from Makoto's earphones had sang the way he had wanted to convey to Haru. He wanted to say goodbye, but by the current situation,he can't. There were arms wrapping around his chest, trembling as they gripped on him. He find it cute and his heart skipped a beat.  
   Haru could feel the wind and could hear the loud heartbeat. He shyly buried into Mako's clothed back.  
    _Just let me love you._  
He wondered, by the sound of two heart beating together, he could hear how loud Mako's are.  
   He had hoped that he would feel the same when he would tell him about it.

   The ride was fast. To Haru's surprise, Mako had took him to the same seashore where he had talked with him.  
   It was calm. It was silent. It was mesmerizing. Haru gave him a confused look. 'Why are we here, Mako-san?'  
   Mako turned to him. 'This is where I'm planning to take you.'  
   The both of them were silent as they walked down on the shore, sitting on the rocks by the sea. To Haru's surprise, Mako's had had intertwined with him, pressing warmth to his. He was happy.  
   And suddenly, Mako spoke. 'I feared swimming the ocean when I was a kid.'  
   'I feared the ocean because I never knew what was inside there. Was there something dangerous? I had come to realise that people often fear things not because it was dangerous, but it was because they never understood it. And tonight, I'll take up my courage to tell you something. But before that, I'll give this to you.'  
   Mako handed him the box. He could feel Haru's fingers twitching as he held them, but when he gave a smile, it had calmed a bit. 'Open it, Haru.'  
   The box was opened, revealing a pair of bracelets. It had formed to a silver heart when together. It was leather, but Haru had never felt himself getting his heart beat so fast. 'W-what is t-this?'  
   'My gift for you. I always wanted to give you something special. Here, let me put it on you.'  
   His fingers had softly brushed into his wrist, sending shivers all over Haru's spine. He was gentle placing the bracelet, and when Haru saw it shining, he felt something special.  
   He felt like Mako-san had gave him a piece of his heart. 'Mako-san?'  
   'Yeah?'  
   'Can I put this on you?' He held the other bracelet on his hand. Makoto could not help but to nod. Haru felt bliss as he placed them on his wrist.  
   More and more, Haru had realised.  
   He had fallen in love with him.  
   'Ah, can I call you Mako, Mako-san?' He asked, pleading. Makoto laughed. 'As always, Haru.'  
   'There's something I've been dying to tell you, Mako.' Makoto's eyes diverted, widening with anxiety. He felt like he was going to fall into the same pit of his nightmares.  
    _No no no no no_  
 _Baby don’t say you want no liar_  
 _No no no no no_  
 _Baby don’t say you want no bad guy_  
'I like you.'


	14. What If...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uetgk7WTe5c  
>  _시선 둘 시선 하나_ (What If...) by EXO
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwlKalNwGdk  
>  _Hello_ by NU'EST

_you looked happy when i see you,_  
_it's so beautiful it's sad_

* * *

   Makoto always knew Haru would only look at him as his childhood bestfriend. Ever since by birth, they were destined to stand close to each other,holding out palms and intertwining fingers as they walked down the road that embarked their lives as journey. He felt bliss despite Haru was cold as the water in dawn, because he knew that he was the only one who felt the warmth from him.  
   Time by time, Makoto had realised that the warmth that he used to touch ended up being an bolt that shocked his heart. He used to look up at Haru as his older brother and his bestfriend, but now he looks down on him as someone whom he harbored feelings of romance with. Makoto didn't say anything, while Haru had noticed nothing.  
   The closer their bond became, the more Makoto fell for the emotionless face of Haruka. His heart would beat so much faster than a treadmill everytime Haru holds his hand, and it would explode like fireworks everytime he would compliment him. Makoto had always thought that Haru will always have his eyes and attention towards him.  
   But he realised that he was wrong by the time the one who ran away came back.  
   He had noticed how affectionate Haru's eyes would look everytime he sees the red-haired Rin. He knew that Haru wanted Rin to forgive him from the unintended things he had done to him, but he felt such wrath underneath him which he doesn't know why he was feeling.  
   It didn't take long to realise that what he felt was jealousy. He felt jealous on Rin, because all the attention that Haru should give to him were suddenly thrown to Rin. He wanted to be angry and punch Rin until he won't able to breathe, but he can't. He never had the right to do so.  
   But at the same time, he could not help this exploding anger from holding back in the shadows.  
   'Why do you keep seeing Rin?' He asked that time when he saw him and Rin talking in such close distance by chance. His blood boiled instantly and grabbed Haru's wrist then walked away in an agitated manner. The moment he realised that he did something wrong was when Haru asked him. 'I wanted to see him because I want him to forgive me. You have no right to meddle with me.'  
   'Yeah, right. I  _forgot_ I had no right.' He growled back. He knew he had nothing to do with them, but it was just that his heart cracks a bit when he see them in that position. But then again he knew it was his selfishness had gone up and crossed the line. He kept on apologising all over again, making Haru worry why he was like that.  
   Makoto had always reassured him that nothing had happened. But deep inside, he was troubled about how his feelings were interferring Haru's life. He just wanted to make him happy, but the fact that he was stopping him for no reason (but there was, he kept on denying) felt like something was wrong with him.  
   Once again being the lamb for the ritual, he had sacrificied and swallowed his pride and happiness by hiding in the darkness as the wingman of their love story.  
   If feelings were humans, they could've been telling Haru how much Makoto had liked him; but Makoto would try his best to shut them the fuck up.  
   He tried to prepare himself for the impact he's going to take when Haru would like someone else. But before he can, Haru had already; not by the words that came out from his lips, but from the tender, loving gazes of him to Rin had proven it. He felt his heart smash to pieces as he saw it. Unable to control his emotions like a child, he ran and hide, crying all by himself.  
   'Makoto-chan, why are you crying?' He looked up to find the worried Nagisa standing in front of him. He wanted to say thag he wasn't crying, but seeing it was too obvious, he replied. 'It's nothing.'  
   'You can't say it's nothing, Makoto-chan,' Nagisa sat and wiped the endless tears on his eyes with his thumb. 'Nobody cries without a reason unless you have a runny nose.'  
   Makoto laughed. 'I fucking hate you, Nagisa.'  
   Even if it was just a bit too much, Makoto had told Nagisa how much he loved Haru, and how he was the reason why he was crying right now. But Nagisa had understood because he always knew he did just by the look in his eyes, yet there was one thing he could not understand. 'If you really like him, why didn't you tell him?'  
   'Because I already knew he liked someone, but that someone wasn't me.'  
   Makoto knew that in his dreams, he held Haru lovingly and was never letting him go, but as soon as he woke up, that dream was shattered glass on the floor. He was stuck between his true love for him, and his fear for him leaving him alone. He would ask himself different questions, yet he could not find the answers.  
    _Why wasn't it him? Wasn't he the one who stayed his side longer than him? Wasn't he the one who comforted him after he had hurt him? Wasn't it him who did everything so that he won't be hurt again?_  
_Maybe Haru had stockholm syndrome or he was just a masochist._  
Makoto had his heart break into pieces as he tried not to fall, but he failed and fell in love anyway. It became his habit to lie everytime Haru asked about him, and he had endured the pain of seeing someone he liked for long liking someone else. He knew he had to do it because it was a very normal problem for people liking someone and that was a harsh reality.  
   But after a few months had passed, Makoto never thought he had an opportunity to escape from his hellhole. After his parents had suggested him to go to Tokyo for college, he wasted no time and agreed immediately. He felt bitterness on the tip of his tongue, but somehow he wanted to do it, for the sake of Haru's happiness.  _Haru would be happy loving Rin without him, right?_  
It was just a few months before graduation when the results of his tests were out. Makoto felt happy, but at the same time sad. He doesn't want to leave Haru but he felt like leaving him would make him at ease. His parents had noticed his gloominess and decided to talk with him about it. 'Did you want to leave so eagerly so that you will forget Haru?'  
   By that time when Makoto heard them, he felt his insides flinch. It never took him the time to realise that all of the time the person he liked was a guy. Afraid and anxious, he tried to say sorry and promised them a wife and a child. But to his surprise, the both of his parents laughed.

* * *

    'Don't promise us those things, Makoto.' They reassured, making Makoto think it was unbelievable. 'We don't find it wrong that you liked guys to begin with. We already knew you liked Haru from the beginning. As long as you're happy liking that person, then we're fine with it. Although we wanted grandchildren though..'  
   'Hey, we still have the twins, so don't even worry.'  
   'Ah, our Makoto had grown. You've matured enough, dear. We accept you, okay? Remember that love isn't a choice.'  
   'If our bean can't give us child, can we make another one, mama?'  
   'Shut it!' Makoto could not help but laugh at his parents' silliness. A thorn had been pulled out of Makoto's chest, yet somehow he felt like it left a painful sensation on it as he remembered that Haru was the reason why he's leaving Iwatobi.  
   He never had thought he would break Haru's heart.

   Makoto was dumbfounded to think that after 5 years he had forgotten Haru. The trauma he had experienced in Tokyo made him such a bitter person. Mixed with the first love that never seem to fade, he was liked a walking block of ice as soon as he came back from the place he grew at.  
   He felt his walls crumble as soon as he saw Haru again. He wanted to endure, but he cannot. After all this time, he had thought he had forgotten everything, but he was still wrong. Now that he wanted to say goodbye, he tried to comfort him from something he had regretted a long time ago.  
   He had regretted trusting Haru's happiness on Rin.  
   By the time when Makoto had decided to meet again on the club with everyone, he noticed Rin with someone. It was different from Haru's body; his built was big and he had dark spiky hair. For a moment he had realised that it was Sousuke. It took a minute for them to talk which was inaudible due to the music before looking at each other's eyes and kissing.  
   Makoto was surprised when he saw Haru walking ouside the comfort room, about to go to the direction where they were doing something. Scared and nervous, he ran, but then stopped to walk slowly to him. With his heart pounding tremendously, he hugged him, hoping it will distract him from seeing his very own boyfriend kissing his bestfriend. His chest hurts.  
   'Who...are you?'  
   Ah, Makoto had remembered he had changed. With a silent, regretful sigh, he then whispered, 'I was just somebody that you used to know.'  
   Walking away and losing himself from the crowd, he instantly knew that his heart was back again with those crazy paltipations. And fuck that, he wasn't ready for it.  
   Now that he was stuck again with him, he was desperate to say goodbye to him and forget everything that happened to them. But seeing what happened next made him stay a bit longer.  
   He promised to himself he will just stay by his side a bit longer. A bit longer.  
   By that time he went to the bar and saw him being reckless, he could not help but feel his anger flame up on Rin. But at the same time he felt the wound on his heart opened up again as he saw Haruka whispering Rin all over again while crying and whining how he cheated on him.  
   Makoto had regretted leaving him.  _He left and gave up his happiness for him, yet why is he crying like that?_  
  
_I’m becoming more and more sorry,_  
_looking at you with these kinds of_  
_feelings_  
_I made a big mistake, I made a mistake_  
_The dream that grew inside of me_  
_Was that time would bring you to me_  
_like the wind_

* * *

    He had tried to do everything to drift away from him, to distance himself from the exact way they were apart. But he could not help but to be pulled back by Haru, who never knew who he was. Makoto had soon realised that he had made a wrong move when he met him again by the name Mako. He had never realised that he will hurt him again.

   'I like you.' Haru spoke with all might. Makoto looked at him and saw that he was trembling like a kid. His eyes squinted in sadness, as he caressed his face with hand. Haru could feel the warmth from his cheeks, making the heat from them intensify even more. The whole pause between them were silent; they both looked into each other's eyes with such meaning that words could never put value.   
   The silence was special, but for Makoto it was tormenting. It was tormenting him if ever the stench of him will be spilled out in thin air. But what can he do? He had vowed to himself that this night where they met will be the same night they'll part ways as Makoto would tell him everything.  
   Pained and anxious, he blurted out.  
   'Haruka, I'm Makoto.'

   Haru's eyes widened. It wasn't that it shocked him, but it felt like the shock was giving shivers down to his spine. It took a moment for him to stare into his forest green eyes before tiny droplets of water had slowly gone down trickling on his face. 'Ah-Haru!'  
   Makoto had thought that Haru would push him away, but instead he had gripped his jacket tight. His ears had reach mumblings from his mouth as he looked at him. 'So I was right...it was you.'  
   His mumblings has turned into silent sobs, where Haru had realised that it was him. It was really Makoto. He felt happiness inside him, but there was just only one thing he could not understand at him at all.  
   'Why did you change?'

* * *

    All of this time, Makoto had felt the feeling of euphoria. He had always reminded Haru of not forgetting the things he needed, but somehow he forgot to include himself for him. Everytime when they call, he would often talk how it was starting to rain, but deep inside, he had always wanted to told him how he often thinks of him everytime he sees them dripping by his window.  
   He was always the one who will wait for him. But he had later realised that he was being an idiot, always waiting for something to happen. But now that he had gone far away from where he used to be, he can't help but feel the lingering scent of Haru.  
    _I miss you but I think you don't._  
He had always thought everytime he thinks he had missed him so bad. His heart was impatient on making him forget that he was completely installed to his heart.  
    _What if it was me?_  
   By the time he tried to give him a cold shoulder, the moment where he regretted everything had started at the same time. Makoto had hated himself so much that he can't understand a thing happening on both of his heart and mind. It was uneasy, yet he had risked something that would lose half of his life.  
   Both of his arms had wrapped Haru's small frame, grasping tightly despite he was unable to speak or even answer the question. He wanted to answer and explain everything, but he cannot so. He felt a mixture of grief and joy. Haru had hugged him back, gently caressing his wide chest.  
   Were they even lovers? Both of them let the sea narrate the feelings they both long to tell. Makoto had his for Haru for such a long, long time he couldn't even remember how the hell he had fallen in the ocean blue eyes of Haruka Nanase. Haru on the other hand, had been doubting his feelings for him. He had always thought Makoto was just the same old boy he used to be. But as long as he felt his heart skipping a beat, he will try to give back the lost time Makoto had his for him.  
   Were they even doubting each other?  
   The sea was calm. The birds of the sky that were rare at night had flew between the moon and the two.  
    _Say the words you want to say_  
_tomorrow_  
_Tell me that you’re sorry tomorrow_  
_Where do you keep looking?_  
_This is the place you should be_  
   Despite he can hear his heart cracking, Makoto smiled.


	15. I Miss You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEeFrLSkMm8  
>  _Spring Day_ by BTS
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZjt_sA2eso  
>  _Save Me_ by BTS

_i need your love before i fall_

* * *

    About two weeks had passed and the both of them didn't have the initiative to call or even talk. Makoto had also stopped coming to the swimming classes Haru had been holding, making him almost wary of the distance growing between them. Was it because of the truth that revealed? Or was it because it was so awkward that they can't say much words? Haru had always thought it was all better when Makoto came back into his life with another special meaning, but he felt like he taken back because it was so unfair. It felt unfair because Makoto had changed and it made him fall in love with him. He knew it wasn't that right.  
    He had know he was the reason and he knew that he will always hurt Makoto with this kind of feelings.  
   At that period of time too, Makoto had gave up the job as an escort, and had decided to take the job as a delivery man. He even moved out of the house finally, which make him feel the change in him as he tried to forget that awkward things he and Haru had conversed that night.  
   However, even if the both of them tried their best to keep themselves busy so that they'll not remember it, it was repeating a melody of a song.  
   Makoto had realise that if they had confessed, and both of them had the mutual feelings, won't it be romantic and not the awkward type like they are having right now?  
   Again, he had remembered, there was a reason why it became like this.  
   And that was a big thanks to their past.

* * *

   'Tachibana-kun, I want you to meet our new assistant,' Their boss said as he welcomed a woman while Makoto was checking on the list of places where he will deliver the packages to clients. A small woman was smiling with the boss as Makoto turned to her. 'Her name is Yamamoto Izuki.'  
   'Welcome to the family, Yamamoto-kun.' Greeted Makoto with a smile as he wiped of his head with the back of his palm. The girl on the other hand, had her cheeks flush the moment she saw his pearly white grin. 'Ah, t-thank you, T-tachibana-san.'  
   'Anyway, anyway!' Their boss spoke, patting his hand on his broad back. 'She'll be assisting you by checking and supervising on the stuffs you've delivered. I hired her so that you'll not be troubled checking on and on again. Yamamoto-kun, Makoto will help you if you need something, okay?'  
    The woman nodded shyly as the boss went out, leaving the two alone.  
Izuki felt heart paltipations as she looked at the back of Makoto, who was busy looking at the boxes. Finally, she thought, she had met him.  
    Makoto had never thought by the name of Mako-san he got himself a stalker.  
   She felt satisfaction as she let out a smirk. But that same smirk had fallen by the time she went out to stalk Makoto, who was delivering to a familiar friend.

   Meanwhile, Makoto felt shivers in his spine as soon as he walked by the familiar stairway. It was the same stairway where everything happened that made his life flip upside down. The same stairway where he waited for Haru; the same stairway he had gave his farewell with tears, and the same stairway where he finally realised he hadn't forget him. A sigh went out from Makoto's mouth as he continued to walk, unaware to the pair of eyes that were watching him behind.  
    By that moment, he saw the same cat whom he saw last time when he first came back in Iwatobi. The precious cat rubbed itself on him and had curled its tail on him. He stopped and kneel down to gently pet the cat, who felt happy. But as soon as he looked up, he never thought he would see him again. 'Haru?'  
    'Mako...to.' The black-haired man whispered with widened eyes. Again and again, the awkwardness was in between them. Izuki on the other hand, noticed the both of their faces, making her shocked and ran away.  
    She just saw the gazes of two star-crossed lovers who were longing and yearning for each other.  
   'Oh, it's good to see you, Haru.' Makoto started sheepishly, noticing how Haru avoiding eye contact him with. Even if he was trembling, he continued to pet the cat, who had noticed the shaking of his touch. 'Oh, so you work at that place?'  
    He had suddenly turned to Haru, whom he noticed the flustering of his face. Slowly, he felt his heartstrings being plucked, and the heavy thumping of his heart. He was about to reply when Haru cut him off. 'It's been a long time, r-right?'  
    'Yeah.' He replied as he carried the package and stood up. He gave him a smile as he wiped off the cold sweat that was on his forehead. 'Anyway, I'm delivering this to Leiko-san. See you, Haru.'  
   As he passed by Haru, a hand had grasped the back of his shirt. What made him surprised was the words whispered to his ear. 'I'll wait... wait for you after work.'  
And with that, he continued walking without looking back at him.

* * *

   'Good work, Izuki-chan.' Makoto said, smiling as he carried his bag. Izuki, on the other hand, gave a sad expression as she said goodbye to him. The wide grin that was on Makoto's face had slowly faded as soon as he saw the man waiting outside.  
   Haru was looking at his phone while leaning on the wall, wearing a hoodie and jeans, and was unaware of the surroundings. 'Haru.'  
   He looked up, and saw Makoto, who was seaming his lips, which he noticed, that were trembling. 'Are you by chance, waiting for me?'  
   Makoto suddenly felt shivers all around his body as he saw his expression turned into a serious one. 'I did tell you. Did I?'  
   'Yeah, but I did not expe--' He was cut off not by the fingers or the words Haru spoke, but with his soft, pink lips that gave a peck on his. 'I missed you.'  
_I miss you (I miss you)_  
_I miss you (I miss you)_  
_How much more do I have to wait?_  
_How many more nights do I have to stay up?_  
_Until I can see you? (until I can see you?)_  
_Until I can meet you? (until I can meet you?)_  
   Those little words he ought to speak, those two words he had long to tell him; those words that described how he felt when he was away from him. Haru had those little jumps his heart made as he spoke those words softly. He was nervous, and had spoke it all over and over in his head until, by accident, he had blurted it out as they kissed. The flushing red color of his cheeks was still there, and he thought it was embarrassing that someone he liked saw him in this kind of situation.  
   He blinked when he thought about it again.  
   Someone he  _liked._  
   'Ah, Haru?' He was suddenly taken back when Makoto called out his name, unflustered. He was new to the change Makoto had, and was really used to the shocked, but cute expressions he used to show when he was surprised. Makoto now had that composure and was calm, unlike the tacky and clumsy yet sweet boy he used to remember that had a big smile and blushing cheeks on his face.  
   Instead of those things Haru had expected to be, Makoto drew closer and gently caressed Haru's cheeks, making him flinch under his touch, which was made even worse when his heart paltpations started to appear when he spoke in his husky voice. 'I...had missed you.'  
   To the more of his surprise, Haru was wrapped around by two bulky arms and was pressed into a wide chest. Both of their hearts were beating fast as he wrapped his on him back, gently playing with his green hair. 'I missed you, too. So much that I can die any moment.'  
   The words they long enough to hear were now spoken, but was it really that enough?

* * *

   And they were back again to the same moment they had before. After eating at a small restaurant that they used to eat hotpot when they were in highschool, they went into Haru's house. Makoto was suddenly surprise how the presence of Rin had gone up especially when they lasted for a year and that Haru had loved him very much ever since they were kids. Everything was circling around with Rin to Haru, yet why did it fade in an instant?  
   'I'll go now.' Makoto said while turning back as he soon realised there was nothing he would do with him. He was suddenly surprised when he felt warmth as a hand grabbed his. 'No, Makoto.'  
He turned and saw his pleading face. 'Stay.'  
   And now they are restlessly touching each other while making out on the couch. Their tongues had been in sync while Makoto's hands were making Haru's skin tremble from his touch. And slowly, his lips had kissed it, making Haru bite his lip harder than he used to.  
   He felt like it was different now that he had learned that he was Makoto.  
   But at the same time his gentle touch had never change the slightest.  
   Makoto however, was nervous as his gestures were becoming gentler, and gentler. As they were both bare naked, he wrapped his hands around him, gently feeling the spine on Haru's back (which sent shivers) and whispered softly; 'I love you, Haru.'  
   'I...' Haru choked and had stopped in realisation on what he was doing. He can sense that      Makoto was dejected as he stopped feeling it. A long pause came before he felt something dripping from his back.  
   It was Makoto's sad tears.  
   'I love you, I love you, I love you...' He continued to whisper until his words0 became mumbles that had ultimately became silent once he had looked into his eyes. Haru was surprised, because the forest green eyes that had shone beautifully in happiness had shine even brighter, not because of euphoria, but because he was heartbroken.  
   All Haru wanted was forgiveness from Makoto. But what he was doing right now was far different from his goal.  
   He was, slowly, tearing up his heart like a wild animal.

   When they both locked gazes on each other, it had somehow trailed down to their noses, and to their lips. The plump, pinkish lips were making Makoto draw nearer as it trembled to his sight. Haru, meanwhile, felt those sensual, hot yet vicious lips of Makoto he never thought he'd imagined. As their lips touched softly like feathers, it sent a spark.  
_I get the vibe where we're more than sex friends yet less than lovers._ Those words came back to Haru's head as he laid on the bed while Makoto was tenderly gazing at him as if he were a god.  _Wasn't it this vibe?_ He thought as Makoto went down and tasted him by kissing him by the sweet spot of his neck. A tiny whimper came out of his mouth, but it had turn into a moan as soon as he trailed it down with kisses to his nipples.  
    'Oh, you're hard.' He spoke as he flicked the erection that had risen on Makoto's chest. Haru could feel his cheeks heating up, intensifying even more as he trailed even lower until he could feel his lips of his dick, making the tip twitch. It throbbed as soon as he licked it with his tongue, circling it before sucking it in. Despite of Haru's protests, he continued sucking; bobbing up in down in a pleasurable manner.  
    'Wait, ah! N-ngh!' The whole room was filled with Haru's moans. It was the anthem of Makoto's heart as he remembered the time they did it. He wanted to make him feel pleasure the best way as possible because that was the only thing he think he can devote himself to this god-like human.

* * *

   As time passed by when the dawn had colored the sky with faint colors, the two almost-lovers had laid the bed with their bodies next to each other, wrapping their limbs despite how sweaty and sticky they became. They were both exhausted, but there was one who still had his eyes both opened. He turned to the sleeping Makoto's face, gazing intently. He noticed the smile that curled his lips, and those long eyelashes that had dripped a drop of sweat. His eyebrows were in a calm stature, and all in all, his face was serene.  
    Haru can't help but to caress his cheek.  
   'I think... I do too.' At last, those words he thought he'll never say had got out in their prison. He could feel his cheeks heating up, making him turn his back to the sleeping man despite the exhaustion his body had got from the love-making.  
_Was it really love-making? Or was it just sex without meaning?_ He blinked as he gazed at the moon from the open window, which was starting to saturate the colors even more.  
   However, the man beside him had slowly open his eyes, fluttering them in a sluggish manner.  He tried not to make noise as he doubted whether what he heard a second ago was real or not.  
It felt real. The touch that woke him a bit was too real; he knew how slender his fingers are, even if he was a grown man at the age of 22. The voice, it felt real as he heard the cracking of his voice that was tired from the sweet moans he wanted to forever hear. But all those guesses were becoming true as he saw his ear reddening and the trembling of his body. It made him smile, making him rest his arm on his stomach.  
   Haru's stomach twitched as a hand had crept up in, and he can't help but feel a bit safe. When that time that his smile had formed, the shadow of doubt, however, had got in and had started to fill in.  
   For all of this time, the line between Makoto and Mako had been blurred, and he was really amazed. How come it was so unfair that all of this time, he was just looking at the same person who had been in two personalities? No matter how his heart wanted to believe, he had always lived to the fact that somehow Makoto's love is...  
   But what ever, he had hurt him. It's natural for karma to have its own ways, but however, it was so painful. It was so painful that he felt numb.  
_Why is it so dark where you’re not here_  
_It’s dangerous how wrecked I am_  
 _Save me because I can’t get a grip on myself_  
  
 _Listen to my heartbeat_  
 _It calls you whenever it wants to_  
 _Because within this pitch black darkness_  
 _You are shining so brightly_

   Even if they have been clear about their feelings for each other, there was one person who felt like it was wrong to love him.  
   And that was Haruka.

   _I knew that your salvation_  
_Is a part of my life_  
_And the only helping hand that will embrace my pain_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **I'm sorry guys that I updated in a week than my usual _couple of days_ sched. I'm so busy right now but at the same time my body and brain is so tired. I've been trying and has been stopping writing because I've been getting a block lately. I wanted to have a Q  & A even if my story is doesn't deserve to have it (lol) anyway. Thank you for reading this fic that doesn't make sense. Kiitos! **


	16. Love Is White As Snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _'Why me of all people?'  
>  'I don't even know, Haru. Even if I will think of other people, it would always be you.'  
>  'But Makoto, you have to forget me.'  
>  'But why, Haru?'  
>  'Because in everything you do to me, Makoto, you end up hurting yourself.' _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWQ1xOfUNYQ  
>  _When You Love Someone_ by Day6
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKqx409MFm4  
>  _Rakkaus on Lumivalkoinen_ (Love Is Snow-White) by ROBIN

_I want to be hurt instead of you_   
_so that there'll be no scars in your heart_

* * *

   Tiny white snow fell slowly on the roadside as he stepped foot for the first time. It was winter, and it had been 5 months ever since they parted again.  
   They had parted again as always.  
   And that was because of Haru's mistake.  
   By that time where Makoto had felt bliss, Haru thought he did not deserved to be loved and even felt it was so unfair that Makoto was so sure of his feelings for him whereas he was still doubting his. The sun had started to rise up, making the light give sting as it went up to their skin.  
   At the same moment, their hearts were too.  
    _'Makoto?'_ He can remember how his voice was shaking despite his body was trembling tremendously. The soft, gentle and caring voice of Makoto went into his ears as the latter asked with a  _hm._  
 _'What do you think of me?'_ He remembered gazing at the sun that was already making its way up. As he slowly turned to him, he had remembered that huge smile on his face.  
   It was a very, very genuine one. It was one of a kind that he himself never get to see before. His eyes showed the confidence and the sureness, and he felt like he was ready to tell him how much he loved him from the very start.  
 _'You were like a god.'_  He started, voice tasted like honey on his ears.  _'You are untouchable. You were so breathtakingly beautiful that I can't describe words about your beauty.'_  
 _'You were so highly wonderful that I felt like it was wrong to be with you. You were very pure like the snow falling from the sky; unique like the snowflake dď with them. And I was just a person that happened to met you. I was nothing but someone. Sometimes, I felt like you were so far even when you're so near to me. But somehow I felt like it was right, because you were a god to me and someone like me who has nothing can also do nothing but to worship you_.' He remembered how his eyes twinkled at that time before he repeated while looking around. ' _To worship. To adore. To love you. Those were the things I did for you.'_  
 _'I know you were unaware of those things,'_ His forest green eyes met his azure ones, making him freeze as if it were ice trapping him. ' _But because of these hidden feelings, you were able to smile in front of me.'_  
Haru had remembered Makoto giving a long pause at the same time looking at the sun-lit sky. Their naked bodies still intact with each other.' _At that moment when I saw you heartbroken and helpless, I was even more hurt in my heart. It felt so unfair because I had sacrificed everything for you to be happy with him, yet he had left you in that kind of state.'_  
He had remember himself noticing the tear falling from his eye, and had gently dried it. Makoto gave a smile, but it wasn't enough to hold those tears back.  
   ' _When I was about to hold you, I had asked myself, is this even right? I had feared that I will make you impure because I was unclean. But nevertheless, I_...'  
   He remembered how he seamed his lips as he tried to continue, but he instead failed and ended up crying. At that time, Haru had regretted asking that question to him.  
   Because he already knew how much he loved him right from the start, but he still had the audacity the same damn question with the fucking obvious answer.  
   ' _But why me?'_ He asked again, slowly drying those tears with his fingers. His eyes trailed along, hoping to find answers. ' _Why me of all people?'_  
His hand met Makoto's, which was squeezed tenderly. ' _I don't even know, Haru. Even if I will think of other people, it would always be you.'_  
Haru had always hated this. He hated how Makoto was too stubborn at anything. He was so sure that if only it would end up this way, it would be finished.  
   ' _But Makoto, you have to forget me.'_  
   The smile that was on Makoto's face had quickly faded like a whiff of perfume. He furrowed his eyebrows, confused.  _'But why, Haru?'_  
 _'Because in everything you do to me, Makoto, you end up hurting yourself.'_

* * *

He did not mean it that way.  
   He did not mean that Makoto was a pain in the ass. (Well, he's a top so what)  
   He did not mean that everything he did was worthless and insignificant.  
   He did not mean that he didn't felt touched of everything he sacrificed for him.  
   All he meant was that Makoto was blaming himself for all the events that happened in his life that he didn't even do.

* * *

   Ever since they met, he had always looked at him as his bestfriend.  
   However, it was a lie.  
   When they were just kids who knew innocently nothing about how the world works, he could feel the smallest thumping of his heart every time that tiny boy would give his pearly white grin on him. He had ignore those, thinking those were just emotions felt when you are with a dear friend.  
   As time had passed, those were overwhelming and had becoming even louder. But it had slowly faded. He had always thought that it had faded by the time he was able to understand how love works between two people who, but somehow it had left a fake impression as they grew older.  
   Haru had mistaken it as love by the time Rin had showed up again after he had gone to Australia.  
   He had always wondered how come he felt like everytime he would see Rin, he would be left with that impression that he had experienced those kinds of feelings, but in reality he just saw Rin as an illusion of Makoto's little self.  
   Somehow, he was unaware that he was just looking at the shadow that had imprinted behind Rin.  
   And that was Makoto.  
   Rin, too, had realised this by the time he saw Haru and Makoto by chance at the same bar where they went on Nagisa and Rei's party. He thought that Haru was so into him because he was the actual opposite of the sweet guy, but instead it was because he and Makoto were similiar in ways.  
   He had noticed that even if Makoto was sweet as honey and pure as the water, he had that dangerous side lurking beneath him.  
   And at last, it had unleashed.

   Looking at the white sky, Haru stood there, frozen. He did not care how cold it was, or how the snow had fallen and block his eyesight, but he just stood there. It was white, and everything was peaceful. He always loved the winter,  _like the way he had love Makoto._ It was a cold, freezing feeling on the outside, but when you enter, it was warm---it was comfortably warm.  
   'Nii-san, what does it take to love someone?' He turned his head and looked at the sight of a kid and her older brother talking to each other. They were building a snowman made from the typical three snowballs you've seen in the movies.  
   'Ayu, loving someone is like caring.' He could not take his eyes off as soon as the two had started conversing. It felt like he had done this kind of thing with someone, and suddenly, his heart started giving those little 'badumps' as soon as he remembered it was Makoto. 'When you love someone, you take care of them so that they won't be hurt.'  
   'Does it mean that if you hurt someone, you don't love them?'  
   'No, Ayu. There'll still be times where you'll hurt them even if you love them. Example, when you lie or even doubt them, you hurt them because they gave their all to you, yet you didn't give it back.'  
   'So, it means that when you love someone, you should love them, nii-chan?'  
   'There are things like that. When you love someone, and they love you back, that's great. But sometimes, the person you give love doesn't give it back. And that hurts.'  
   'Where does it hurt, nii-chan?'  
   The man gave a smile before pointing to where his heart was. Haru flinched as he saw how the man's smile looked painful. 'It hurts here, Ayu.'  
   'But do we need to treat to the doctor so that it doesn't hurt again?' The man gave a small chuckle as he messed her hair. 'No, it doesn't need a doctor to stop it. It sometimes takes the strength to endure it so that you can look at everyone with a smile.'  
   'But doesn't it look, sad, niichan? You smile but deep inside you're sad.' The kid pouted as she placed a stick on the side of the balls. The man gave a smile. 'You will learn so many things in life, Ayu. Maybe one day, you'll experience that feeling too. Can we go back home now, hm?'  
   Haru stood there as the man and the child walked away, holding hands with each other. He did not notice the small little tear that escaped from his eye. That tiny sting that was on his heart was becoming bigger as soon as he heard those words.  
    _Wow_. He was so amazed with himself. He even need to hear from other people to realise how blind he was.  
   Without noticing, he had walked back to his house. The warm, fuzzy feeling touched his skin as he bounced on his bed before he looked up on the ceiling blankly.  _It was horrible,_  he thought as he looked back on what happened between him and Makoto.  _It was so horrible that he forgot what he said to him_.   
'Am I really that harsh?' The words coming out from his mouth were out of control, and it felt like he was floating. He felt like his life was like a rolling tire that had lost its grip from a vehicle. It had ups and downs, but he felt like all of it were downs. His relationships had failed, his will to live was gone like dust and how he tried to feel something was nothing but air.  
   He was too blank, like a canvas which stood untouched for ages, still waiting paitently for a hand to carress and give sketches to it.  
    But he had soon realised that when he had met that little boy of the Tachibanas, there were a few lines drawn. They were light, like the memories that they did together which left a faint mark on him.  
   But when he met him again, there were already colors. Yet it was never strong. There stood colors but they were faint, like watercolors. It faded so easily, and had crumbled shortly.  
   Like how the paint would easily scatter its colors like a prism when they are splashed with water, the bond that that held them together has soon lost.  
   And it was his fault.

* * *

    _You’re such a soft-hearted person_  
 _Every time you are silently in pain_  
 _Even if I have to give my all_  
 _I want to make you smile again_  
The voice coming from the radio had reached his ears as he sat down on the edge of his bed. He gazed at the window and noticed how the snow were falling into the ground, making him realise he was unaware that time had fly too fast.  
   Even if it was just a few months ever since he had moved out from his home, he was still adjusting to his apartment. It had contrasted so much between how he used to live there and here; it was full of minimal, yet home-felt noises, while on the other hand, there was nothing but the words that came from the radio that had accompanied his loneliness.  
   So many things had happened in his life. He had lived on the job where his self worth was at cost, and had endure being away from his family for years, lying on how he was okay. But later on, he had met him once again for the sake of forgetting him, but he was unaware that he had made a mistake and is now attached to him like a parasite.  
   For all the times he had avoided falling for him, he was becoming more and more charmed on him. He never knew why, but of all people it has to be him.  
   His world had revolved around him. He would compare the blueness of the sea to the color of his eyes, and how the black sky without stars would reflect the gleaming hair of his. He was so beautiful to the point it made him think that he was a god.  
   A god. A frail god.  
   His eye twitched as he remembered that facet of a memory.  
   It might be so long since he heard those words about him forgetting all out them, but for him the wound that was on him was still bleeding freshly. Everytime he would reminicise the things he had done with him, he would feel like there was salt that was rubbed against the wound.  
   Day after day, he had wished that everything didn't happened. He had wished that everything was still the same. He had wished that it didn't happend so that Haru will be smiling without him being the reason.  
   He was desperate. He was willing to give all for him.  
   But he had crossed that line where he had unintentionally harmed himself.  
   He crossed his arms and felt the size of his body shrinking. He had wondered why; he was getting the feeling that he was always tired, and he had the loss of his appetite, which made him question himself as he stopped eating his favorite food. His voice was becoming hoarse and it felt like he was choking frequently.  
   A sigh came from his mouth as he stood up. He then stopped as he looked at himself on the mirror. His skin was becoming darker, and his expression was becoming gloomier. He had noticed these changes, but he paid no attention despite how much he had broke down for the past few days. He became weaker, and had depression eat himself out of the blue.  
   It seemed like the coldness of the weather had became his expression.  
   Looking back on what happened between them, he was sure that he was the one to be blame; tempting himself to go back to where he was before was the worst move for him. But what can he do? It already happened.

     **REN**  
 **Aniki, I hope you're doing well.**

His phone lit up as he walked down the street. As he read it, a small, yet sad smile had crept up in his face. Despite how the coldness of the wind had taken a bite even on his jacket-clothed body, the warmth from it was felt by him. The snow-filled road made him calm on each step he had taken, making him walk easily even if he had frequent coughs.  
   He had stopped by the hospital for a check-up. He had wondered why his cough seemed to be persistent in disappearing, and how he can't breathe that much properly. The atmosphere was serene and no sound can be heard as he waited, but until his name was called, he was anxious.  
   _Why was he even anxious?_

He had dressed back again, and sat beside the doctor, who was looking seriously on the paper he was concentrating on. He proceeded to look at the view outside that was obstructed by the blinds.  
    _It has been a while_. He thought.  _What had happened to him?_  
But for a split second, he removed him from his thoughts as the deep (and suspiciously shaking) voice called him out. 'Uh, Makoto.'

    As he turned, he saw the serious face of the doctor, but it felt like it was far different. It felt like it was something wrong.  
   It felt like his eyes were saying sorry to him.


	17. Don't Let Me Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsOGiTSZ_cg  
>  _Press Your Number_ by TAEMIN
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AobsNlp7DBE  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbaLDf7gmTQ  
>  _Don't Let Me Go_ by SHINee

_useless monologues kept increasing,_   
_i call and call but the answers are decreasing;_   
_where are you right now?_   
_please come back to me._

* * *

He continued to stare at the Makoto's photo on his contacts. A new year had passed, and Haru never thought his life would end up this way as he met him again. Slowly, he felt like he was haunted by him, making him think of the memories they had made from the little things he'd see or notice. Still staring, he was contemplating whether he'd call or do the first move of talking to each other to work things out. After seeing all the calls Makoto did that he either ignored or even hung up to, the pit of his stomach swam a pool guiltiness as he continued to think of him.  
   It was Friday at that time and the snow outside had been gradually melting but still thick as fuck. Haru's house was depressingly silent as only his parents--who came back later on---went to celebrate Christmas with him, and even if in his normal days he was used to that fact, he was completely new to it.  _Was it because the past turning back again?_  
As always, no one (except Makoto) had known that sometimes he would run and escape from his problems that he had created and had worsened by his own, and he would break down if he couldn't find the answers and feel lost. As soon as he had stepped outside the still snow-covered ground, he had already knew he was running away all over again.  
   He doesn't even know where the hell is he going to. His feet were walking on its own while his mind was blank and the floating of his senses were numb and light. Against the chilly cold, the sweater he was wearing was the thinest of all, but it never had affected on how he felt emotionless. He felt blank. Numb. Like a void.  
    _Haru? I just want to say Merry Christmas..._  
 _How are you?_  
 _Did you eat everyday? Was it still the usual grilled Mackerel?_  
 _I'm hoping you have a great time there._  
    _I'm sorry. I just wanted to be by your side.  
_ _I'm sorry if I hurt you. I made a mistake. I'm sorry, Haru. I'm sorry._  
 _I_ _missed you... so much than I've got to say._  
 _I wish I did not come back here. I know you did think of that too. I'm sorry for everything._  
 _I want to see you._  
 _I love you. I miss you. I want to see you. I want to tell you how much you mean to me. But because of these kinds of feelings, the way we are before is far from what we have now. I'm so sorry, Haru._  
In his mind were countless of voicemails he had received from Makoto, and every inch of his heart had panged as soon as he heard those little cries, those words so sincere it made him sad, and those feelings that were gushing out of the blue.  
    _Why were you even saying sorry if it wasn't even your fault on the first place?_  
He walked on carelessly, letting his legs move without rest as he tried to think of things. His life was a mess, and that's because of his fault. When he ended up things with Rin, he had the closure about something between them, but it left a traumatizing wound on Rin as Haru had promised him that he will never remember who he was or what did he even made sense in his life.   
   A few moments later his phone started to ring as he sat down on the bench he saw. His freezing hand held his phone as he glanced the caller I.D. His breath hitched, still contemplating whether to answer it or not. But he started to think that he should,  _because all he wanted was to hear the voice he was longing again._  
    With a trembling hand, he answered the call and pressed the cold screen of the phone on his ear.  
    _Haru?_  
His eyes widened as he heard his voice. The warm feeling had caught up in his skin, and he felt very comforted. He wanted to open to speak, but it only emitted nothing.  
    _Where are you?_ He felt that his voice was full of worry and anxiety, and that made him crack a smile on his face. It might be a brief question, but still it made him feel...a little safe. 'I'm outside.'  
    _Outside? Wait, are you wearing thick clothes? Are you wearing a beanie?_ Those kinds of questions made his heart warm, his grin bigger, and the feeling of the cold wearing away, making him numb of the bench that freezed his legs. For him, even if he had changed, he still had that manner where he'd worry at him so much that he was more like his mother than his real one. Haru giggled at that thought, making Makoto reply with a  _What's wrong?_  
He shook his head. 'Nothing's wrong...except that I found you funny.'  
    _Why is that?_  
Haru's eyes looked down at the white snow covering the ground, trying to convey what he wanted Makoto know through words, but somehow he was distracted by the sight of two feet walking though the snow. As the steps were getting closer, he trailed his eyes up slowly, thinking that it was him. As soon as it reached to its face, he chuckled and smile as he looked into his eyes.  
   'You're still the same after all.'

* * *

   Haruka could not help but to chuckle.  
   By the time both of their eyes met, Makoto immediately removed his jacket and put on him, panicking as if there was something wrong with him. Even if he did not wear gloves, he could feel the warmth coming from his fingers as he touched his face as he scolded him. His voice gave heat to him like fire as he fired words of worry at him, telling him how it's bad for his health to sit on the cold hard bench without protection on, and that made him smile.  
   It wasn't that smile he'd shown to everyone, but a smile where he feels contented.  
   'Why are you outside?' asked Makoto as he placed his hand on Haru's head and pulled him to lay his head on his shoulder. He did not give an answer immediately. 'I wanted... to stay away from things.'  
   'And are those things...have something to do involving me?' Haru glanced up on Makoto's head from his shoulder, and had seen him looking far away. He had also noticed; Makoto's face had darkened, his eyes were like buried deep in his skull along with the eyebags, and his lips were in a deep color. It was like violet.  
   A cough suddenly went out of from Makoto, making him surprised. He had gently rubbed his hand on his back, trying to comfort him. 'It seems like someone should stay inside their house because they have a cold.'  
   'Oh, so you really wanted to be sick afterwards?' He replied, raising one eyebrow at him. He didn't replied back, but instead looked at the people passing in front of them from the bench. Both of them silently watched, making the chats of people along with the sounds of vehicles passing by only be heard. It was nothing until he asked a question he was desperate to ask: 'Why did you change?'  
   Makoto's eyes widened at the question.  _Was... there even a reason why he'd ask that kind of question?_ However, he smiled and gave a light laugh. 'I... I don't even know.'  
   'I thought once I'll changed I'll forget about you.' He continued as his eyes trailed somewhere far, not looking into where Haru was. He then gave a laugh and buried his face on his hand. 'Hey, I know that was typical in movies... But I was desperate, you know that? I'm desperate forgetting about you.'  
   Haru could not help but to look at him with wondering eyes, still gazing on how calm he was.  
   'But you know what? I felt like it was selfish, because you were the one who became my shoulder whom I could lean on; my nii-san, and the person who never looked down on me. If I did forget you that easily, it would be like our friendship that we shared would be nothing, right?'  
   'It's actually my fault, Haru. I fell in love with you. It's my fault looking at you with these kinds of feelings, I'm sorry. But if you're asking if I'll throw away these, I would just for you. Just for you to stay by my side.'  
   He did not answer to his pleas and instead looked down at the snow-covered road with his head still resting on his shoulder. His breathing was slow, as if it mimicked a sad sigh.   
   But then his breathing hitched as soon as Makoto asked a question he never knew would come out from his mouth.  
   'If I will ask for your love, will you generously give it to me?'

   He sat straight, still turning to him with eyes gazing straight at the sunked look on Makoto's eyes. As he furrowed his eyebrows, he also had noticed the gloominess gleaming on his forest green eyes, not in full color as it was before. He doesn't know the reason why, but he stretched out his hand and slowly trailed Makoto's tired face along with his eyes, gently caressing every inch of his goddamn skin. Silence came out from Haru's mouth for a few moments, stopping at Makoto's gaze, whom he saw anticipation in it.  
   If Makoto wants to say goodbye, Haru had nothing more to do but to sit there and lose his grip on him. He had always knew from the very beginning he had seen him, he had never deserved to be with that kind of person. But what can he do? Everything had happened and there's no way you can seal a bleeding wound without feeling the pain first.  
   'I would... and I will. Because that's what you deserved.'  
     
    He became expressionless for a moment for a big smirk went up to his face. 'You... are a liar.'  
   His eyes had widened, shocked of his response. The corners of his eyes had twitched, and his whole body trembled. The warmth feeling that he had emitted by staying by his side had become cold suddenly, and his face gave a gaze that would cut him. His eyes were squinting his disbelief, and Haru wished he could be lying, but Makoto's gaze was cold as ice and hard as stone.  
   'You pity me, don't you? You had realised all along that you have my love and had decided to return it to me because you've seen how much I've been hurt. You will always give them back after you've seen the damage,  _Haru._ '  
   Without realising, a hand flew on his face, making him turn, looking at the other side while panting hard.  
   Haru had looked at him, full of rage and bitterness. He clenched, trying to hold back the anger reacting after the words from his mouth had gone up to his ears. He never had the intention to, but it was making him sick.  
   'Do you even realise how much I keep these kinds of feelings because I'm afraid I'm hurting you, Makoto?' He asked, voice stern. Makoto did not divert his gaze from the ground, but a smirk came up from his slient, dry lips. 'Are we going to have this all over again? We're going to meet and we're going to fight again, huh?'  
   To his surprise, the green-haired man turned to him with such cold look. Haru frozed, with a shiver shot up in his spine.  
   'Have you realised that we are always like this because you always look at me as the same old way?' Instead of looking angry and disgusted, he squinted his eyes, and Haru already knew that he was feeling sorry for him. 'You were looking at this situation as if it happened in the past.'

   Hurt, he ran.

* * *

    _You said even if I’m alone tomorrow_ ,  
    _I should not act as if I'm sad,_  
    _Because that’s what you’re going to do_

He continued to run, along with the tears racing down from his face. His footsteps became an unexplainable mess as it left, along with the tears that bounced and created a darker shade of dent on the snow.

   ' _Haru, are you still confused whether you love him or not?'_  
    _'No, Nagisa, it's just that I was wondering why all this time I had the same feelings with Makoto despite he had changed so much. I wanted to take care, to protect, to hold him and to be in his arms where I feel comfortable the most.'_  
 _'I see. But I do think you already know the answer on how you feel about him.'_  
   ' _What do you mean?'_  
 _'It's called love, Haruka.'_  
 _'You've always been in love with Makoto all of this time, Haru.'_  
 _'The only thing that confuses you is that you often see the present as your past.'_

    Ah, he had remember what Nagisa and Rei had told him. Now he had known that he was mixing everything up, his heart broke. He was so desperate on fixing people's hearts that he had broke that he forgot he had his own broken. He finally stopped, balancing himself on his knees as he breathed, which left a fog on the cold air. His eyes looked up to the sky, his vision becoming blurrier as the snow that seem to fall down were becoming bullets in the color of white.

* * *

    _You're beautiful as the sky, but it's sad because you're also out of reach._

Their love was like a snow, beautiful and pure, but at the same time it was cold and sad. Haru was the god and Makoto was the devout worshipper, and by the sad turn of their fate, they felt like they were star-crossed. But were they? Was there something that stopped them from being together?  
   There was nothing wrong in the first place. It was their own actions that caused them to think that their feelings were forbidden. They became the Pyramus and Thisbe that were often told as unfortunate lovers who suffered a tragic end, and were entangled to the chains of their past.  
   Makoto had freed himself, and had let go, meanwhile Haru had been connecting it like a never-ending chain, that he had thought will never break.  
   Their love was true but it was only them who weren't true to their feelings.  
   Haru had always doubted his love for him because he had it in his mind that if he falls more, he will hurt him more, just like what he did in the past; while Makoto, whose feelings were strong as aged wine, never had the faith nor hoped that his feelings were reprocriated by Haru. They avoid and avoid themselves so that they cannot hurt each other anymore, but in the end, they're were just hurting each other.

* * *

   The coldness of the bench never sent chills nor shivers to his body as he sat there. Makoto sat comfortably, leaning back on the snow-covered board, while gazing at the people passing by. His eyes were lazily moved, slowly watching everyone around. But deep inside, those tears were starting to warm the insides of his eyes, hoping to get out at the same time with his feelings.  
   Despite of the harsh words he'd spat out at Haru, Makoto was hurt the most. Every word he had spoken gave a whip to his heart, making it throb repeatedly. His body was becoming more and more weak, along with the tired feeling he never knew the why he had. He coughed, creating a fog from his mouth. He seamed his chapped lips, trying to get a grasp on trying not to cry like an idiot on a snowy day.  
   He loves Haru so much that it hurts. When Haru spoke the words he never knew he would speak, he was happy, but at the same time was anxious because he knew Haru was still trapped. He wanted to open his mind so that he'll know... that it's just a delusion.  
    _But was it really a delusion?_  
   Makoto's eyebrow twitched at that thought. All he knows is that, Haru was just looking at him in those kinds of feelings because he was trying to find comfort after being hurt by Rin, but he never did knew that Haru, right from the start, had fell in love with him and had decided to ignore those feelings of him, because he feared the loss of Makoto.  
   Makoto never knew how scared Haru was on the thought that he will lose him.  
   Suddenly, a pair of feet had walked to Makoto, making him slowly look up. A smile was on their faces, but it went down as they saw the unbelievable change.  
   'Mako-san, what happened to you?'


	18. I'm In Love With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PI-VCWkTQu8  
>  _I'm Sorry_ by TEEN TOP
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dv_xE109WrU  
>  _Back 2 U_ (AM 1:27) by NCT 127

_please know my true heart and_  
_true feelings, believe that its true_

* * *

    'Coach Nanase, how do you dive down in the water?' asked one of his students as Haru had come back to his job after the winter season had ended. Every kid who became his student were earlier than usual, and he thought it was because of their eagerness that he can somehow relate. He did not speak, but instead had motioned, arms pointing down as he crouched. He turned his gaze to the boy, who was attentively looking at the very detail of his actions.

    His feet had kicked in a vigorous manner, making the water splash. He then went out, breathing in a same usual way, making the kid wonder how much he had gone. 'You need to make your body pull you down. It's not always about the weight, but it's how you varry your own body.'  
   Hours had passed, and Haru had felt how different his job was before than it is right now. Tired and exhausted, he sat on the nearby café, looking aimlessly at the window. Placed on his table was a medium-sized melon bread and a cup of cappuccino, and the look on his face was a depressed one.  
   He had wondered--ever since that day when the snow had slowly lost its own luster, Makoto was nowhere to be seen---as a delivery man, he should be walking around sending packages to people, but there was no green-haired individuap who walked down the street carrying a box. His eyes had looked at everywhere; people passing by, vehicles stopping and go, time ticking through out the whole place, and he was getting more and more desperate.  
   _Why the hell was he so desperate?_  
It was he had regretted letting him go.  
   To his surprise, he spotted a man, broad shoulders and an well-familiar height. His hair was in vibrant green, and his back was familiar. The man was on his back, standing across the bookstore. Without thinking back, he had dashed out from the café. He ran across the street and immediately cursed when the person had started walking to. The way the person's coat fluttered was the same way Haru was being desperate. It was getting faster.  
   Going near, he immediately grabbed his hand. 'Makoto.'  
   The man had turned, and to all of his expectations, it wasn't him.  
   'I'm sorry? Do I know you?' the man asked. In his defeat, Haru sighed as he caught his breath, trying to keep himself calm. Then later, he stood up and bowed his head. 'I thought you were someone I know, I'm sorry.'  
   As the man walked to the heart of the crowd, Haru was there, standing alone with his hopes of meeting him again crushed. Tired, and now frustrated, he went home with a heavy heart.  
   His house was silent as always. Everything was placed the same way, except for the folder and scattered pictures of women sitting on his table untouched. It was his mother who sent him these, advising him that he should be settling down and have his family, even his heart was never for his wife. He was disgusted when he heard that, and had declined, thinking it would be better for him to be alone all of his life than to give someone a load of bullshitting hope.  
   He slumped his body on the bed, making it creak. On his sight saw the dolphin sculpture sitting on the table beside his bed, and he instantly remembered the young Makoto who was happy to give it to him despite of wanting it at the same time.  
   He wondered _, what was he doing? Is he safe and sound? Is he happy at this moment?_  
He gulped in the last question that popped up in his mind, moments before he fell asleep.  
   _Was there someone who made him happy instead of him?_

* * *

Makoto coughed again for the umpteenth time.

   He was sitting on the corner of his office, clipping on the set of papers with a list to check to on the clipboard. After a few months of hardwork, he was immediately promoted as an inspector as everyone, including the owner himself, had noticed how the man was coughing gradually. They had told him to take a leave, but being a hard headass, he turned down. So instead of giving him a bucketload of cargo, they had placed him to a position where he would be checking for any damages on the deliveries.

   He had a pen in his hand, and was scribbling details on the next batch to check when the door creak, revealing Izuki. Makoto's tired-looking eyes looked up to the girl as she sat down, with something on her hand. Izuki gave a worried smile. 'You're wondering why I'm here, aren't you?'  
   Makoto gave no answer as he continued reading on his paper, making the woman sigh. 'I know you're annoyed how many times that I'm pressing you to take a leave, but this isn't why I am here.'  
   To his surprise, her hand slipped to him a photo. It wasn't just any other photo, but the photo when Makoto and the blue-eyed boy had tried to swim for the first time. Shocked and panicked, he scrunted his bridge. 'Where did you get this?'  
   'It was actually by that time when I saw you a week before our vacation had ended. I literally asked why were you sitting there,' She spoke while Makoto was looking at the photo closely. 'I saw you talking to a guy, and when he left, a pic fell down from him, I guess. I picked it up, and saw that it was you.'  
   'Why didn't you give it to me that time? Why now?' Izuki rolled her eyes. 'Well, I actually saw that from my coat today so yeah, I forgot.'  
   He nodded. 'Thank you.'  
   She nodded back, stood up and went to the door, beforing going out, she turned her head. 'Also, one more thing.'  
   'What is it?'  
   'Let's go somewhere together, I'll be telling you something.'  
   'What are you going to tell me? Won't you say it here immediately, Izuki-san?'  
   Izuki gave a bitter smile before walking out.  
   'I can't, because the relationship we have will change if I say it now.'

 

   _I try to push you away_  
_I resented it from the start_  
_Because I knew we couldn’t be together_

 

   His fingers trailed down the metal bars while the cold wind had touched his skin. The sun was setting, but never were his feelings. There were full of doubting, and extreme anxiety that led him to where he was... lonely. He hated the fact that he curved him that way, and had been resisting on what he feels.  The attempt to swim that he had while seeing water was becoming more and more less, but his deep, dark thoughts were becoming more and more frequent.  
   As his eyes trailed away from the warm hue of the setting sun, he saw two figures standing a bit far from him. It was a woman: black hair and thin, petite figure, and a man with faded green hair. It was like they were talking, probably about something deep... something serious.  Haru's eyes blinked as he immediately saw his broad shoulder facing him. He wasn't hallucinating.  
   He hoped he wasn't.  
   Suddenly he felt so many emotions rushing all at once, _was it jealousy_? _Irritation_? _Intense longing? Heartbroken desperation?_ He wanted to make a move, to walk from where he stood, and to hold him close by his side. He wanted to slap a bitch, no matter the reason why she's been there, because he hated seeing someone talking and spending time to Makoto, who was now probably happy.  
   He was about to move when he saw that Makoto's face was showing the opposite of what he had expected. He froze.

 

   'So you wanted me to go with you at the sea side?' asked Makoto as he both held of their crepes. Izuki bit her lip as she hesitated. The fading color on Makoto's hair was flying in the wind, and the sun's colors evenly gave depth to his thinning, darkening face. From what she noticed, he was getting tired and tired, and she could see how his breathing was different from what was normal. She grabbed her crepe away from him. 'Wait, why?'  
   'You look like tired carrying my crepe.' She replied before biting it. 'So I took it.'  
   He laughed. 'Are you really mocking ny abilities as a man?'  
   'Well, seeing you coughing frequently, I guess it's a yes.' She looked away and turned her head to the sunset sitting perfectly on the sealine. 'Are you sure it's just a cold?'  
   'Yes...' He mumbled. 'It's just a simple cold.'  
   The two walked around in silence as they observed the surroundings; couples and families eating and doing the same thing as them, but in a loving way, people walking around or either trying to catch a cab, and those indiviuals looking at the sea while looking at the crisp colors of the sky. Izuki had bitten her lip once again, still thinking what to do. It was hard decision for her to do, since his mind was still distorted from what happened.  
_I don't have a chance anyway, so why am I doing this?_  
'Makoto-san.' She spoke, hinting a bit of doubt in her voice. He furrowed his eyesbrow at her. 'Hm?'  
   'I told you that I'm going to tell you something, right?'  
   'Yes,' He chewed the last bite of his crepe, and swallowed it before continuing, 'Why?'  
   'I'm going to tell you right now.' She stood in front of him, with the sun behind her. 'Makoto-san...'  
   She breathed in and sighed deeply.

    'I am in love with you.'  
  


	19. something real

_remember me in the same way i remember you_

* * *

   'I am in love with you.'  
   She finally breathed it out, after the countless times of trying to get his attention away even if she had no hope for the man living in his heart. Makoto looked at her, wide eyed, with his thin fingers twitching.  
   He doesn't want to hear this now. He doesn't want to hurt her knowing that he---silence surrounded them, and the stranger---the not so strange indiviual behind their back, began to wonder why, the tall man with faded green hair in the sunlight, had that kind of expression.  
   'It's been... it's been that time ever since I saw on the club.' Izuki had started, fidgeting her fingers while looking down then up to his bewildered face. 'Then I tried to find... to find you. And after knowing who you are I've decided to find---'  
   'So you already knew me from the start?' snapped Makoto, cutting of her words as he tried to analyze everything In her words, Makoto had realised that there was something dangerous about her. She was really dangerous... and desperate to be with him.  _Just like him being desperate to Haru._ His visible, bony jaw clenched in anger and irritation. 'And you pretended to be another employee just to get close with me?'  
   After hearing his tone that was becoming darker and hard, Izuki had found it difficult to explain, making her stutter in explanation. 'I never expect that I would do this, I didn't...'  
   On the other hand, Haru was surprised on the angry face of Makoto. It was an expression he found rare. 'How could you do this to me?'  
   Haru knew that Makoto was somewhere stuck in stress and in panic, and he had to do something about it. He really had to. After all, it was his fault.  
   'Hey, what is this?' The two turned their heads in surprise as he suddenly grabbed Makoto's arm. He blinked twice in surprise, the man's arm felt thin and bony, unlike the buff, muscled one before. He was even shocked when he saw his tired face. 'Haru?'  
   The bright, shiny face of Makoto had falled down into a dull, dark one. His eyes looked like it had sunken to the bone, his lips nearly pale as the cream of the crepe, and he was unrecognizably thin. Haru could not help think about it,  _after all this time, what happened to him?_  
   'What are you doing here?' He was taken aback immediately as he was back from his senses, and he saw him expressing disappointment while his eyes were pleading to save him. 'I just saw you two... and I saw something's wrong so, yeah.'  
   'Is that all?' He heard Izuki, eyebrows cocking at him. He tightened his grip as he clenched his jaw. 'No, I also wanted to talk about him...'  
   Makoto's fingers twitched. 'To talk about us.'

* * *

   'What 'us' are you talking about, Haru?'  asked Makoto as he was dragged by him. Haru ignored him, fully dragging him across the street. He then hailed a cab and shoved him first. Poor Makoto was confused, as Haru never seemed to explain everything. His heart was heavy, beating in an irregular pattern. 'What is happening, Haru?'  
   He gave no answer, instead he seamed his lips. The whole ride was just full of silence, while Makoto's heart was desperate. He wanted to be calm, but he was getting anxious. As soon as they arrived, the silence had been slowly replaced by tension. Leaning on the wall was the thin figure of Makoto, with Haru trying to press him down. 'We need to talk about  _us_.'  
   'What us?' He asked, voice hoarse. Hearing it, Haru's brow twitched. 'I'm sorry when I did not accept your love.'  
   'That was years ago, Haru. Everything has changed.'  
   'Then why do I hear tender whispers of your love when I'm in your embrace?'  
   Makoto did not answer. His eyes trailed down on the floor, with Haru0 biting his lips hard. The atmosphere of the room was a mixture of tension and coldness, whereas they are looking at everywhere but not on each other's eyes. 'That day... that..  time... when you told me you loved me, when I told you I can't love you back...'  
   Haru gave a long paused before he sighed. 'It was all a lie.'  
   'Why are you pulling off the same lie again, huh, Haru?' asked Makoto, face frowning. The pupils of the green-haired man were shaking as he spoke those words, and Haru could feel all his energy being drained from him.  
  It was too annoying.  
  'If I was pulling the same lie again,' He press his finger on his thin chest a few times, hard enough to make him feel the pain. Haru was itching. 'Why would I keep telling you that all of this bullshit was just a lie? I loved you so much, Makoto. Do you know that? I love you when you're clumsy, when you're an idiot, scared as fuck, at your best or even when you wanted to fuck me to death, I had fucking loved you!'  
   Makoto still had the same stoic listening to him. Placing the both of his hands on his bony shoulders, he continued, 'I had loved you, Makoto. From that day when I met you.'  
   He expected an answer from me as he seamed his lips, but instead, he had received the unconcious body of Makoto in his arms.

* * *

   Haru had nothing to do but to panic.  
   In the ambulance, he held his hand tenderly, with his heartbeat becoming irregular in every second. The word worry was seen across in his face as he looked down on the dead-like body of Makoto. Every second, anxiety was starting to eat on his whole body, and he could not think more than the safety of him. He was becoming desperate at the same time he was confused.

    _What is happening?_ He had thought as he continued staring to him, hoping it was just something they could overcome together.  
   The Tachibanas had arrived a little later along with Rei and Nagisa, who saw Haru sitting in the chairs, face on his face. 'Haru, what happened?'  
   He removed the hands that covered his face, only to see people surrounding him with faces that showed extreme worry. He sighed. 'I don't know... I just... I just talked to him and all of the sudden... he.... he...'  
   He trailed off his words as soon as tears had started to fall from his eyes. Nagisa then rushed to his side, caressing his back while whispering gentle words. 'It's okay, Haru. Everything will be fine.'  
   'No, this isn't fine with me...' He replied. To their surprise, the doctor went out of the room, eyes widened with full of sweat. 'Where are the parents of Mr. Tachibana?'  
  'Yes?' Haru stood up and ran by their side, hoping for great news. The doctor had a long look in his face, as if he was sorry.  _No, this can't be._  
   'This was hidden in the span of 5 months, but ma'am, sir. I have to tell this to you?'

   'What happened to our son?' asked Mrs. Tachibana, her face becoming more afraid. But Haru was more. The doctor shook his head slowly and sighed.  
   'Makoto is actually diagnosed with lung cancer... and he has three months to live.'


	20. Epilogue

_Don't be sorry,_  
_That makes me more pitiful_  
_With your pretty red lips_  
_please hurry, kill me and go_  
_I'm all right_

* * *

Two months had passed, and Makoto died.  
   It was painful for Haru to see him struggle everyday, his eyes were watering as he held his hand telling him he was alright in a cracked voice. He choked on his own spit upon hearing his reassurance, where in fact he was going to die. In that period, he took care of him, had showered him with all the love he wanted to give him ever since he lost him in his arms five years ago. There were times that he would look at him having a peaceful sleep, and will cry silently as he squeezed his hand softly.  
   There was a bitter taste in his tongue. Makoto did not deserve it. He did not deserve to get this after all the hurt he had suffered for a long time.

   _'I'm tired.' Makoto spoke one time, his forest green eyes that was losing its luster was slugglishly moving towards the hospital window as they both sat, taking a meal. Haru sighed at his words. 'Are you tired laying there? You'll be healed, Makoto, I tell you that.'_  
   'No... it's just I'm tired living.' His eyes were watching the clear view of the city from the glass. 'I want to die.'  
   Haruka seamed his lips; tears were starting to fall from his eyes. 'Please.. please, don't say that. You know how much that hurts me. I love you so much, Makoto.'  
   'But that's what reality is, Haruka. I'm really going to die.'  
   'You're hurting me.'  
   'I know.' He smiled bitterly. 'But it's the best for you. You'll find someone to love when I'm down in the grave, and they'll be better than me.'  
   'You're wrong...' He trailed off his words in disbelief, but the sick squeezed his hand. 'You think this is unfair of me saying to you this, but it is. Maybe it's a mistake on the clock making us separate at the times where we had loved, but I think it's not about us having the wrong timing... maybe... maybe...'  
   'Maybe?' He asked anxiously as the green-haired sighed. 'Maybe destiny doesn't want us to be together.'

   'You're a bit harsh,' Haruka spoke as he stood by his grave, his eyes trailing at the words  _Makoto Tachibana_ on the tiled grave stone. There was no answer, yet he still smiled. Flowers were surrounding his grave, and Makoto's smiling face was in a frame standing between them. There was no answer, and it made him chuckle. 'You did not wait for me.'  
   Maybe it was time to forget things.  
   Maybe it was time to move on.  
   'Maybe it is time to have you as a memory in my heart I guess.'  
  Maybe Makoto was right; maybe destiny doesn't want them together. If that's what it was then, he will love him as always until he meets him there, in heaven, maybe.

_Your eyes, nose, lips_  
_Your touch that used to touch me,_  
_To the ends of your fingertips_  
_I can still feel you  
_ _But like a burnt out flame,_

_Burnt and destroyed all of our love_

_It hurts so much, but now_

_I'll call you a memory_

 


End file.
